A great man once said never to let school interfere with your education. I’ve got a little bit of a buzz going, so I didn’t find out exactly who said it, but it’s safe to assume he was a pretty smart dude. While the advice is certainly sound, with the mountains of assignments and the terror of mandatory attendance it can sometimes be a challenge.
We all know where a true college education is born: on the dingy, torn barstools that students flock to night after night in each of your college towns. From the dimly lit dive bars to the upscale clubs, you learn way more about yourself and the world after a night of ritualistic liquor showers than you ever will in an 18th Century Political Theory classroom.
Sure, there’s almost always a good excuse to sit back and say “I’m just gonna take it easy tonight.” Getting a full eight hours of uninhibited sleep can be a pretty glorious experience, but you’ve got your whole life to catch up on whatever Netflix show you’re currently addicted to. Don’t listen to what your parents or high school guidance counsellors said — college is all about the pursuit of a good time. If you still need motivation to live it up, I’m here to help. I’ve sketched out some infallible logic for you, and I’m hoping this will be all the motivation you need to booze each and every night of your college careers. Remember: taking a day off makes you a quitter.
Another week of class and misery has begun. Sure, you could spend your time catching up on your studies and preparing for the week ahead, but what’s the fun in that? In my experience, some of the best schoolwork I’ve done has been completed just hours before the due date. Worry about it later, and crush some beers while watching two NFL teams you probably don’t care about.
You survived Monday and now you’re faced with its ugly asshole cousin. Tuesday is like a sorority girl that texts you “I miss u” five minutes after leaving your bed in the morning. Nobody likes it, but it’s something we all have to deal with. Chances are your local bars have some enticing drink specials available too, since Tuesday nights are usually about as busy as a North Dakota freeway.
If for nothing else, you should booze on Wednesdays in honor of that Geico “HUMPPP DAYYYY!!” camel. I would totally rage with that camel. If you really need another reason, you might as well celebrate the fact that you’ve made it halfway through the week without your liver shutting down. Small victories.
For all intents and purposes, Thursday is the first night of the weekend. If you actually have classes to worry about on Friday, you clearly made a serious error in judgement. No worries, though, the syllabus might not mention it, but classes on Fridays are practically optional. Need another reason? Just think of how good the term “Thirsty Thursday” sounds. It’s practically poetry.
You had a long week full of work and you’ve finally made it. From the moment you step out of your class (or bed), a beer should be attached to your hand like a powerful electron magnet. Friday happy hours are a tradition on every college campus in the country except BYU, and if that isn’t temptation enough, then the dozens of people calling you “pussy” should be all the motivation you need.
If it’s football season, that’s all the reason you’ll ever need. If not, you might as well spend your Saturdays remembering the good times of blistering heat and booze induced rage towards the referees. If you can actually pick out individual details from your Saturday nights, then you’re clearly doing it wrong.
Because why the hell not? When you booze your face off all weekend, the days off from school seem to end as quickly as a virgin in the bedroom. Sure you COULD spend the final day of the weekend recuperating for your academic exploits ahead…but what’s the fun in that? Sunday funday is practically a tradition on college campuses, and you wouldn’t want to ruin something so sacred, would you?