When people ask me, “Lucky Jo, tell us about yourself. What are your most admirable qualities?” I tell them three things. First: I’m an avid Jack and Coke drinker. Vodka cranberries are for pussies, and I once ate a dusty M&M for five dollars, so I’m not a pussy. Second: I’m a beard enthusiast. Hence, my recent descent into a dark depression following the end of No-Shave November. And third: I’m a die-hard advocate for a scruffy chest.
I have a lot of appreciation for the male body and all the joy it has brought to my otherwise meaningless college career. However, every once in a while, I come across a monstrosity more cringeworthy than frayed cargo shorts and ridiculously outdated American Eagle tees: a shaved chest.
Why the fuck do guys do this? Shaving your chest is the male equivalent to getting a boob reduction. It’s like slapping God in the face, and I’m not cool with it. I’m here to tell those who partake in this horrible trend to cut the shit.
Hairy chests are awesome. They’re fun to look at, they’re great to play with, and I can pretend I’m banging James Bond. It’s a win-win situation all around.
Biologically speaking, girls are prone to pick men with hairy chests because, well, they’re men. Obviously, I’m going to go for the guy who appears as if he could survive longer than a week in the event of an apocalypse (and look damn good doing it, I might add). So why is it that I keep seeing guys in movies who have smooth chests when they are obviously not naturally that hairless? You’re not fooling anyone, Jon Snow. Your face looks like Bruce Banner’s forearm, are you are honestly going to tell us that you’re magically that smooth below the neck?
Furthermore, you should know that no girl wants a slam who’s skin is softer than hers. We want you to be rugged and tough and a little bit disgusting, so that we can feel awesome about ourselves. Pro Tip: When we feel awesome about ourselves, there’s going to be a lot more boning and a lot less bitching.
I truly believe that unrealistic beauty standards are a problem for guys, so you’ll be pleased to know that dad bodies are a definite turn on. Sure, abs are nice, but I really appreciate the time, energy, and effort behind a nice beer gut. A scruffy chest is the ultimate and obvious component of a dad bod.
If you’re still not convinced, I’ve compiled a short list of who I believe are the three most influential people to help prove my point:
1. Jon Hamm
He’s confident, he’s classy, and he looks like he smells like cigars and soap. My kind of man. The only thing more perfect that than hair on his head is the hair on his chest. He makes me want to lick caramel off of his pecs, and I don’t even like caramel.
2. Jim Halpert
I recently told a friend about Jim’s locks, but she insisted that he was never shirtless on any episode of “The Office.” I know for a fact that he was, however, because the vision of his glorious, hairy chest was forever burned into my unclean mind. A quick Google image search promptly confirmed my argument and induced a lady boner.
I don’t have a whole lot of proof on this one, but I’m pretty sure that when his disciples told him, “Yo, Jay, you gotta shave your chest flow. That look is totally 3 BC,” Jesus was like, “Nah, man. Dad says this look will never go out of style, and he’s, like, all-seeing or some shit.”
There you have it. Don’t be afraid to stay lazy and let it grow, because the unnatural bare look is a giant turn-off. Chest hair is a warm and fuzzy party that we all want an invite to, so do us all a favor and ditch your razors for good..