Why Your Fraternity Sucks: Beta Theta Pi

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Some people are brothers of Beta Theta Pi. But many, many more people are NOT brothers of Beta Theta Pi. This TFM rush preview is for those in the latter group.

Fraternity: Beta Theta Pi

Are you still there? I know, I know — you saw the title and had the same reaction you have every time you cross paths with these letters: “Beta? Meh.” And really, is there a better way to describe these humdrum squids? They really leave much to be desired, which is odd, because they’re one of the oldest fraternities in the country. Much like the Cincinnati Reds, they have plenty of history on their side, but no one really gives a shit about their existence outside of their circle.

Beta is typically the group of gangly, comically disproportionately headed cornballs at rush that proudly display their first place trophies from the last three homecoming float builds. At those sorority charity dance competitions where everyone sends out their pledges to do some hybrid “Nae Nae” pelvic thrusting combination all in the name of a good laugh, Beta follows that shit with a choreographed number they’ve been working on for months — brothers only — leaving the venue more uncomfortable at how good it was than impressed.

They never have a hookup or an in with the local bars, but if you’re interested in being an orientation campus tour guide or R.A., Beta is the fraternity for you.

Forget that terrible, straight to DVD American Pie, if you took the film “Rudy” and just ended it before the scene of the team placing their jerseys on Coach Devine’s desk, that would be Beta in a nutshell. Essentially just a super-cut of some undersized kid hanging out with a groundskeeper and getting buried into the dirt every other minute.

Beta does try their “darndest,” though. Plenty of intangibles and heart, almost to a fault. You “men of principle” are the biggest doormats in all of Greek life. Fraternities can automatically chalk that intramural game with you as a W, any girl in your presence as “just a friend,” and altercations with you as one giant apology fest by brothers who plead for “cooler heads to prevail.” Zero edge.


134 chapters and colonies not including your founding charter at Miami (OH) which was pulled by nationals along with 84 other chapters in the last fifteen years or so. Not that the Miami (OH) chapter was part of a triad that had any significance to modern day Greek life at a school often called the “Mother of Fraternities” or anything like that.

It’s like if the employees at a national landmark weren’t living up to expectations and instead of firing those individuals and bringing in new, better options to fill the position, the government went “Fuck it, who needs things of any meaningful historical context? Shut it down. Shut the whole damn thing down. I don’t care how you do it, just make it disappear. The Declaration of Independence? Torch that mofo and let it burn. The Liberty Bell? Useless. Toss it into the Delaware.”

Is nothing sacred anymore?



House Targaryen with stage 4 cancer.


As an all-star team assembled from the three separate literary societies at Miami University in 1839. The best of the best. Wordsmith casanovas who had a thing for “delicate shades of pink and blue.” Pastels! These dudes were ahead of their time. I can’t find a picture of the “eight earnest young men,” but I imagine that has everything to do with founder, James George Smith, who was described as a “pale, studious, quiet fellow in delicate health.” One swift breeze and he would shatter, much like Derrick Rose, so I imagine they all feared the photography process back then would have legitimately killed him.

Much of your history is kept pretty close to the vest, which I both hate and respect you for, Beta, but mostly hate as it’s made my job impossible with this section. I guess you choch bags are self aware that no one else really gives a flying fuck about your organization after all. Again: “Beta? Meh.”

Famous Brothers That Suck:

Everyone of them but John Wooden, Mike Schmidt, and Neil Everett because I have no fucking clue who they are.

From The Horse’s Mouth:

Brother Dylan

My fraternity is full of guys who would save up chapter funds for 2 years to have a Dungeons and Dragons themed party, and then decide that “that’s not what we’re about.” The partying, not the D&D.

Between the tapout shirts, guys publicly ranting about their comic book obsessions and discouraging what I thought Greek life was all about, I cannot wait to leave this God-forsaken place.

Brother Brian

Every time they reorganize a charter they have somebody from nationals live in the house for 2 years or so. Basically they serve as a baby sitter. It doesn’t have to be a brother, it doesn’t have to be a man even. We had some 55 year old Ph.D candidate woman living in our president’s suite for a year so just to make sure we didn’t have a beer on football Sunday. It was fucking asinine and went about as well as you expect. When she moved out I think she was traumatized by all the inadvertent dicks and slams walking home in oversized t-shirts she saw.

Brother Casey

Our chapter was once described as “the weird film kids who look at you while you pee.” Fortunately we’ve come a long way, but while I was rushing, one alumnus at the week’s Alumni Night proclaimed before every rushee and active brother that he had not kissed a girl until he joined the fraternity and I watched every brother in the room simultaneously facepalm.

Brother Russ

Additionally, we have that one fucking active who every week feels the need to snapchat his “formal attire swag”. The fact that one of the Tri Delts made a geotag for our house doesn’t help.

Definitive Reason You Suck:

Like coleslaw at a barbecue, you’re just taking up space. No one’s ever gone to a cook out and been like “Damn, I need to get me some of that coleslaw.” You’re a throwaway dish. No one cares if you’re there.

Want to be part of the next fraternity rush preview? Just email me at dan@totalfratmove.com and give me ample evidence of why your fraternity sucks: personal anecdotes, encounters with other chapters, etc. I’ll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. Next up: Sigma Phi Epsilon

In case you missed the others:



Lambda Chi

Phi Delt

Kappa Sigma

Sigma Chi






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