Wild Wolves Are Running Around Sochi Hotels

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We’ve all heard about how terribly unprepared Sochi was for these Winter Olympics, but a recent tweet from USA Luger Kate Hansen has shown things are worse than we could possibly imagine.

Sure, there are those barrier-free toilet stalls. They’re a little awkward, but nothing a reasonable human couldn’t handle. Yes, multiple people have been trapped in elevators, and there is at least one instance of an athlete breaking a hole in a door to escape a room that was presumably designed as a Russian torture chamber.

Those things all suck, but come on, it’s Russia–what more could we possibly expect? I mean, it’s not like they’re letting wild killer animals run around all over the place, right?

Oh, wait…

Well guys, game over. It looks like the Russians have finally had enough of their Olympic inadequacy, and now they’re releasing bloodthirsty wild animals upon our athletes. It’s just like the Cold War, except instead of nukes, they’re stockpiling creatures that want to kill us. US officials have denied comment, but let’s hope we’re setting up a shipment of American alligators and Kodiak bears to get those Commie bastards back.

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