(Wildly Inaccurate) Study Says That Size Matters

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Don’t get any crazy ideas, ladies. You can’t trust everything that you see on the Internet. Before you proceed with reading this, remember: this study was performed on women who had absolutely NOTHING better to do on a Tuesday afternoon than to throw up their legs and count some ceiling tiles. A study about the relationship between penis size and a woman’s ability to orgasm? More like a study about daddy issues, if you ask me.

Scottish psychologists studied the sexual appetites of 323 women and found that most reach orgasm more easily when their lover’s manhood exceeds the average size of 5.8 inches.

“This might be due…to greater ability of a longer penis to stimulate the entire length of the vagina and the cervix,” researcher Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of West Scotland, told the website Live Science. Brody said the research showed that women who had sex with well-endowed partners had the most vaginal orgasms.

5.8 inches? How about you overcompensate more, Scotland? It’s no wonder William Wallace walked smack-dab into the slaughterhouse at Falkirk. He couldn’t retreat from the English because his secessionist ginger dong was weighing down his tartan.

He added, “Male anxiety about penis size may not reflect internalized, culturally arbitrary masculine stereotypes but an accurate appreciation that size matters to many women.”

To be honest, I have no idea what these nerds are talking about regarding “male anxiety.” Besides, anything over an inch is trying too hard. Like my dad taught me when I hit puberty, “If it’s thick, it’s sick.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to sit in my double-parked muscle car while shooting off rounds from my AR-15 and blaring Billy Joel’s “Big Shot” from my subwoofers, because I AM A MANLY MAN.



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  1. Vandal

    my question is who still cares about what makes women happy? i thought society quit caring after the invention of the dishwasher

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  2. nolenation44

    anyone who agrees with this is just trying to justify how tiny their dick is. you can be as bad as you want but if you have a 10 inch lap hog, that will probably be the focus of her story the next day.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago

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