Winter Update With Southern South: The Frattest Brand In All The Land

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It’s been a few months since we introduced all you fratasaurus rexes and fine sorostitute tails to the most boomslammin’ clothing brand on the planet. We’ve finally put down our funnels long enough to give you guys an update, but first let’s make sure you all know just why Southern South is the most fratadocious brand in the entire universe.

You might be wondering to yourself: “What sets Southern South apart from the 34 million other fratty clothing brands that have sprung up in the last two years?” We’re here to tell you: absolutely nothing.

We use the same Malaysian child labor camps as the big guys (foreign labor is frat). Just like the heavy hitters, our inseams are so short that you can’t legally sit down within 100 yards of a school without getting arrested for indecent exposure (“But officer! I just crossed my legs!”). We flood your inboxes with the same obnoxious overly hashtagged emails (#SHAMALAMADINGDONG). Our clothes are so cheaply made that we can’t legally sell them to pledges because it’s considered hazing in 49 states (Alaska, FaF).

So why buy Southern South clothing? It’s simple: with every Southern South clothing purchase, you can support a couple of otherwise worthless fraternity guys who had nothing better to do after graduation than spend their fathers’ money on a half-assed attempt to avoid growing up. If that isn’t convincing enough, we also donate 0.001% of every purchase to The Wounded Warrior Project. We’re proud to say that our customers have not only made an epic contribution to our functional alcoholism, but they’ve also allowed us to raise enough capital to give a United States Veteran one-third of a band aid. Patriotism. Frat.

I know what you’re thinking: “Holy shit, this is the most frat thing ever. I don’t even care what you guys sell, just take my money.” Hold your horses, Bro J Simpson, you haven’t even heard what we’re offering yet.

We’ve been so waist deep in freshmen love canals that we haven’t made a new product in months, but fear not, #SoSoNation. We are finally back and proud to introduce you to our Winter Collection.

The headline item in our winter lineup is the one we’re most proud of. We understand the struggle that the fratoramic faithful face every year as the weather gets colder. How do you separate yourself from the independents of the world when you can’t blast those pasty white toothpick thighs everywhere you go? I’ve got two words that are about to blow your mind: Winter. Shorts.

Are you finished reassembling the shattered pieces of your brain after reading that sentence? Good, now let me explain how it works. We started off with our classic 1” inseam design and threw it out the window. We crafted these bad boys from the ground up. We start with 100% genuine lion mane fur and stitched it together into the most aTHIGHallated shorts that a human being can physically comprehend.

So maybe these suckers are only capable of warming about 10% of your body at a time. Sure, you have to sign a waiver just in case you get hypothermia when trying to wear these fuzzy diaper shorts in actual cold weather. A small price to pay in our opinion. When you live the Southern South lifestyle, you have to make some sacrifices. If frozen testicles are one of those sacrifices, you’re just going to have to deal with it.

The rest of the Winter Collection will be announced soon, but in the meantime, we’ve got some big plans ahead.

We blew our entire marketing budget on a 30-second YouTube clip, but at least we graced the internet with the most fratacular man thigh montage ever conceived by a human being. No worries, guys. With our hourly “Retweet This and get a $10,000 Gift Card” campaigns, we’ll be back on track in no time. We’ll be back soon with another update. Stay Southern. #SouthernSouth #Frat #SHAMALAMADINGDONG

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StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co

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  1. 99
    Fraterich Hayek

    Damn. I didn’t identify this as a SFPL article at first. This is one of the first real attempts at conventional paragraph-based prose I’ve seen from you, and it was surprisingly executed in a decent manner. I audibly chuckled at some parts. Sometimes you overemphasize your use of obvious parodies, but otherwise this is a solid 3.25/5. Good fucking job.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 8 months ago
  2. 43
    Fly Alpha

    Let me make this easier for you to read SFPL

    1) If Southern South existed it’d still be less douchey than Rowdy Gentleman

    2) fuck you

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 8 months ago

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