Oh, Western Kentucky University. You’ve produced some pretty incredible people in your years of service to this great country in the likes of Olympic gold medalists, Super Bowl champions, Sprite Slam Dunk contest winners, golfing greats, Lex Luthor from “Smallville,” and yours truly.
WKU also apparently produces the likes of Tanner Cole. I don’t know much about Tanner Cole other than what I learned via creepin’ his Facebook, but what I can tell you about him is that he is an evident virgin who must be higher than his testosterone levels, the hopes and dreams his parents probably have for him, his chances of getting laid any time soon, and WKU’s joke tuition hike.
According to Facebook, Tanner is the opinion editor of WKU’s award-winning, student-run newspaper, The College Heights Herald, which, I guess, gives him the power to publish some of the worst shit I’ve ever read. With a title like “10 Best Places To Hook Up At WKU,” you have no other choice but to read it. I mean just look at his list:
10. Music rooms
9. Craven Library basement
8. In between the libraries
7. Smith Stadium
6. Gary Ransdell Hall
5. Top of parking structure things
4. Thompson North
3. Grassy steps inside the Kentucky museum
2. Under the kissing bridge
1. Hardin Planetarium
Music rooms where you need a key to get in? Really, Tanner? If I’m trying to get laid, the only key-to-hole action I’m looking for does not involve unlocking a door. The library? No, fuck you. If you ever found me at the library, I was already in a shitty mood and way too cracked out on Adderall to deal with your bullshit shenanigans. Tanner even suggests one of the oldest, most run-down buildings on campus with the disclaimer: “You’re going to have to break in. Once inside, you have a sketchy wonderland of broken glass and abandoned classrooms to convert into your new bedroom.” Nothing says “sexual” quite like a mugshot/tetanus shot combo.
Do you want to know the 10 best hookup places on campus? Hell, I’ll give you 20. I’d suggest one of the following:
1. The school president’s driveway.
2. The entrance doors to your university’s student union.
3. On top of all your gen ed professors’ desks.
4. Your dorm’s elevators, only after hitting the button to each floor so you can truly cause problems for as many people as it’s humanly possible.
5. The quad, but only on parents’ weekend.
6. In the trunk of your parents’ car on drop-off day (after everything has been unloaded, obviously).
7. In any hallway during finals week.
8. Up against that statue of the really old, important guy you’re too young to remember.
9. Along the side of a campus police cruiser.
10. The Chick-fil-A in the food court.
11. Up against the glass at the fitness center. Maybe even take a mirror selfie. If you don’t take a mirror selfie, did you really work out?
12. During marching band practice, mainly just to throw off their choreography.
13. Beneath the bell tower so you can bang to the beat.
14. In the computer lab amongst the daggers being stared your way.
15. In the middle of the street.
16. Doorstep to doorstep of every campus ministry at your university.
17. In the aisle yet near the exit doors of campus transit.
18. Against the parking and transportation asshole’s golf cart as he is ruining someone’s day with a parking ticket.
19. Anywhere that entails photobombing fan pictures with the school mascot.
20. The 50-yard line. Tanner suggested; Lindsay approved.
So, you see, Tanner, even my stupid ideas are better than your stupid ideas. I would say that you have disappointed Lex Luthor and me, but I’m pretty sure that neither one of us have ever had high hopes for a hipster..
[via WKU Herald]
Image via Western Kentucky University