Woman Accused of Trying to Murder Boyfriend with her Tits

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I can probably count on one hand the number of times a good old-fashioned game of “bury your face in a nice set of titties” has turned south, but that’s exactly what happened to some poor bastard in Germany recently. Tim Schmidt is accusing his busty (now ex, I would assume) girlfriend Franziska Hansen, 33, of trying to suffocate him with her double D howitzers
during a sexual encounter, telling him she “wanted to make your death as pleasurable as possible.”

I’ve always said never trust a girl named Franziska. They all just seem to be nuttier than squirrel turds. Now, she’s crazy, but it’s hard to argue she’s mean-spirited. Death by rigorous motorboating sounds like a solid way to go out. That should be weighted into her sentencing if you ask me.

[Schmidt] told a court in Germany that the couple had been having sex in May this year when Ms Hansen suddenly grabbed his head and pushed it between her breasts with all her force. He is quoted as saying: “I couldn’t breathe any more, I must have turned blue. I couldn’t tear myself free and I thought I was going to die.”

Mr Schmidt, who weighs 13 stone, claims he managed to wriggle free and fled naked to a neighbour, who raised the alarm.

I hope you guys appreciate the photo I chose for this story in lieu of the one used in the original article, or better yet, the one that pops up when I type ‘Franziska Hansen’ into Google images. Finally, you’re awarded 5 points if you knew the chest cannons pictured above belong to the amazing Brooklyn Decker. I’ll also consider you a dear friend.
[Source]

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Nice Move

Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. -1
    Jon M Fratsman

    Dorn, the article is decent, but you really missed a golden opportunity to use this column as an excuse to post a few pictures of terrific beefers at the end. Given, ole Brooklyn up there is a great start, but I was expecting more. Maybe call it “Chest Cannons Worth Dying For”?

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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