A good friend of mine used to teen wolf beers back in college. Hell, he might still be doing it — I don’t know. Basically, teen wolfing is biting through the side of the can to access the beer, as made popular by character Scott Howard in the 1985 film Teen Wolf.
It’s a highly inefficient way of drinking beer, but it’s fun to watch. It also seems kind of dangerous to me, and used to make me uncomfortable when my buddy would do it. That’s aluminum you’re biting through. That’s metal. It can slice your gums or mouth or a piece could even break off and you could swallow it. You don’t want that. I don’t know just not the best idea.
As reckless and inefficient and detrimental to your body as teen wolfing is, it has nothing on the latest trend of smashing full cans of beer against your head to open it, which isn’t even an accurate description because I’m not sure it really opens it? It just sprays beer everywhere? It makes for a good video, though.
Listen to the sound of twelve ounces of liquid encased in aluminum smashing against a human skull. Hello concussion. The fucking boys were real impressed, I’m sure.
This guy actually knocks himself out cold. Amazing.
The penguin realistically gets about one of those twelve ounces in his mouth.
Two more idiots. The first guy gets nothing out of it, just smashes the beer against his cranium twice and passes it to his buddy. Okay?
This guy precedes a 360 swan dive from atop a pretty tall inflatable slide by knocking himself woozy with a few aggressive beer smashes to the dome. I love that he’s wearing our swim trunks, too. This is our clientele.
See him lose his balance right before takeoff, you know, on account of voluntarily beating himself senseless? This could have gotten real ugly. Had he not corrected himself before jumping, we’re talking about a heap of broken bones and Hawaiian print.
Alright, so look, I don’t know why this needs to be said but it clearly does so I’m saying it: Stop doing this. Stop smashing away your brain cells one forehead Natty slam at a time. And for what? For a cheap laugh? It’s unbecoming. So stop doing it. Don’t smash full beers into your brain anymore. Brains are awesome, and important. And you only get one, so stop beating the hell out of it. Just stop it.
But if you do, and if a camera happens to be rolling, don’t forget to email us the video at Instagram@totalfratmove.com.
On next week’s episode, “y’all need to stop voluntarily taking punches to the face.”.