Your Butthole Is In Danger Because Of “Fifty Shades Of Grey”

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The “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie comes out today, and if the 2012 book release is any indication of what’s to come, emergency rooms will be filled to the brim with sex toy-related injuries.

According to The Washington Post, the actions found in the best-selling series stimulated more than just the imaginations of its readers.

The number of Americans requiring emergency room care for injuries involving sex toys has approximately doubled since 2007 … Much of that increase happened in 2012 and 2013, following the release of the wildly popular erotic novels in the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series. And the overwhelming majority of these injuries — 83 percent — require “foreign body removals.”

This is a legitimate issue, people. First responders in Britain are already prepared to be slammed hard by an onslaught of sex emergencies.

“Boosh, why would you even tell me this?” you’re probably thinking right now. “I’m never letting a girl anywhere near my chocolate starfish.” Keep in mind, Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, and if you have a date, you can be positive that she’s seen this movie and/or read the book. If you manage to get her back to the bedroom, there is a serious possibility your night could go something like this:

She’ll tell you that she wants to try something special for the occasion, that she wants to tie your hands to the headboard and blindfold you. After a brief pause, you will oblige. As she works her way down, you’ll start to become more and more relaxed with the situation. You’ll be like, “Okay, this is actually kinda hot. This is something I co– JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST WHAT WAS THAT?”

“That” could be anything from a finger to a “Fifty Shades of Grey” brand dildo, which can be found right next to the children’s toothbrushes at a Target near you.

As for the more adventurous of you, remember that safe sex goes beyond wrapping it up. Make sure your full-body leather suit has proper ventilation. Use a safe word. And please, for the love of God, don’t let your gerbil wander too far.

R.I.P., Mr. Bojangles.

[via The Washington Post ]

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