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Your Name Is Your Life

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Your name is you. Take a long good look at your name. If your name sucks to say out loud, you’re probably going to have a lot of trouble in life. I’m not saying if you don’t have a cool name it’s the end of the world, but the people out there with awesome names definitely have an edge. You don’t realize it, but you base a lot of things off of someone’s name.

Before I started watching Friday Night Lights, I knew there was a guy named Tim Riggins on the show. Didn’t know anything about the character prior to watching, but I already knew he would be the man just off of hearing his name. I knew for a fact that Tim Riggins would be someone I want to hang out with.

On the flip side, if one of my buddies introduces me to someone named like Chester, I immediately have concerns. That name is flat out miserable. There’s no sick last name that can save you from having the first name Chester. I’m thinking this guy is probably a freak, and I’m uneasy about the fact that one of my friends is cool with someone named Chester. Poor kid could turn out to be really chill, but there’s no escaping making that prejudgment.

We subconsciously create a bias about certain names. For one, there are some names out there that only seem to fit mothers. If you’re under 35 and your name is Carol, or like Debra, that’s kind of weird. Those should be strictly mom names. I don’t know why it is, but if you think about it, it’s true.

You could hear a name and put a description behind that person right away. This is big in sports. You always hear people say, “that’s a baseball name” or “that’s a sick basketball name.” Look at Bryce Harper, for example. You know why he’s the reigning MVP? Unreal name. His parents did a hell of a job with him right from the jump. That’s an MVP name. LeBron James’ mother didn’t give him that name for him to grow up to be an accountant. It’s only right a dude named LeBron is one of the greatest basketball players ever.

A lot of questions you may have about life can be answered through your name. Why don’t you have a 4.0? Well I don’t know, Ronnie — maybe take a gander at your name. Bill Gates, now that’s a smart name. That guy came out of the womb with a platform to launch Microsoft. Our last presidential election between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney was a classic battle of bad names. You got a guy whose name sounds like Osama, which is awful for obvious reasons, and then you got a guy who goes by the name of “Mitt.” Obama, versus Mitt.

No matter who won that election, our nation was screwed. Then you see people out there with names like Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheeeeeen. That guy was guaranteed to grow up a drug addict. But like I mentioned earlier, if your name kind of blows, don’t panic. It’s not over for all of you. People have overcome the odds. Look at former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. I mean come on, look at the name on this chick. Her teachers in grade school were probably telling her she would never amount to anything. To become Secretary of State with this kind of name, you got to have a hell of a work ethic and a lot of mental toughness. You’re an inspiration and a hero, Condo.

I don’t have the coolest name in the world. If I’m competing for a job with someone with a name like Don Draper, I’m done. I’m immediately throwing in the towel. I could nail my interview and I would still have no shot. If me and him walk in with identical résumés, they’re taking Draper and not thinking twice about it. That’s just how life works. If you’re reading this and have a name like Carl Spackler, it’s all starting to come together in your head. If you want something, you’re going to have to work for it, because your name has had you on an uphill battle since birth.

If you’re not sure whether or not your name is cool, just do the name test. Say every syllable in your name out loud really slowly. If it doesn’t flow well, or something about it just doesn’t sound right, congratulations; your name stinks. Your crush from class turned down your date because “she already has plans,” or maybe because your name is Randy. You better invest in some expensive cologne or a gym membership, Randy, because you’re going to have to do a lot to hear her say “Mom, Dad, this is my new boyfriend…Randy.”

A lot of you will have kids one day, so please listen to what I’m saying. The name you give your kid will shape their entire life. D’Brickashaw Ferguson was given that name to become a professional football player. You would never sit down at Applebee’s and hear “Hi, my name is D’Brickashaw. Can I start you off with something to drink?” Not a chance. He is his name, and you are your name as well. That’s why I’m naming my son Mason, automatically making him a heart-throbber with good hair.

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