Your No BS Guide To The LSAT

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Nice Move

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Like virtually everything on Total Frat Move, take the following words with a massive grain of salt, and maybe some penicillin just to be on the safe side.

The best advice I ever got while preparing for the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) did not come from a hand-me-down Princeton Review prep book. My best advice didn’t come from one of the many law school-bound degenerates before me who spent their weeknights wristing hockey pucks through the hazement windows.

Strangely enough, the best LSAT advice that was ever bestowed upon me came from, of all places, a Peyton Manning joke that is buried in the Bill Simmons archive.

“I am in complete control of this offense. I prepare for games like no other quarterback in the NFL. I am in the best shape of my life. I have done everything I can to succeed…and I’m losing. Ohmigod. I’m not that good.”¬- Malcom Gladwell, discussing “The Manning Face.”

Swear to God. That quip about Captain Clutch might be the truest words that have ever been spoken about the exam that strikes fear into the hearts of so many of America’s future lawyers.

Preparation can guide you to wonderful places in life. You can spend hours breaking down game film, burying your head in a playbook, envisioning every scenario that the opposition could possibly throw at you. But in the end, you either have the testicular wherewithal to read a zone defense, or you don’t. There’s no in between during winning time. Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.

It sounds cocky. That’s because it is. Welcome to America.

As to the actual exam itself, there are three parts of the LSAT, each more mind-numbingly simple than the next.

___

Logical Reasoning

Bill says something dumb about the weather. Tim calls Bill a liberal. You guess what the weather is like in Bill’s imaginary world.

Logic Games

Mike tapped into the Woodford a little early, and now a sorority J-Board executive must schedule the order of which sobbing freshman she must attend to.

– Amanda, Beth, Chrissy, Danielle, Elise, Holly, Jessica, and Kate must stop crying before the Valentine’s Day mixer is ruined.

– The J-Board executive only has enough attention to slip them once every 30 minute interval.

– Beth and Danielle can only cry consecutively, unless another girl makes a scene in the bathroom.

– Beth must cry at an earlier time than Elise, because Elise said she looks like ugly in that sweater

– Danielle has to cry later than Holly, because Holly is talking to Mike

– If Holly isn’t the fourth to put watch a DIsney movie, then Amanda must go fourth, because she’s like that, I guess?

– Kate and Jessica cannot shut up, because otherwise the world would end

Which of the following could be true?

A) Beth went first, because she was totally the most upset, seriously.

B) Danielle went fifth, because she can’t even

C) Holly went last, because she’s always fashionably late. Always.

D) Jessica went sixth, because OH MY GOD I’M BORING MYSELF PUTTING THIS TOGETHER.

E) Kate went third, because ugh

F) MAKE IT STOP

Reading Comprehension

tl; dr

___
You go through the motions doing that for 5 hours. Afterward, you write some writing exercise, because really, if there’s one thing that law schools need, it’s more useless nonsense being spewed.

In short, this is all you need to know for the LSAT: Bring an analog watch. Sketch out all of your problems.

Most importantly, when push comes to shove, if you simply don’t have what it takes, all that preparation gets you is a $2,000 course that ultimately teaches you one thing: “Ohmigod. I’m not that good.”

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  1. 57
    Southern boy

    Here’s advice from a 2012 graduate of UGA Law: don’t fucking go to law school. Stay in undergrad for 5-6 years, then maybe get an MBA. Because Fuck Law School, that’s why.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  2. 17
    Douglas MacArthur

    Law school and law school prep is like rough sex where you may come out with a scratch or two, but it was a short exhilarating experience.

    For us med school types, med school and med school prep is like getting totally dominated by a dominatrix with a strap-on in which you exit it beaten up, pride crushed, wondering if it was worth it, and knowing it will take years to recover.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 1
      brophecy foretold

      There’s no comparison because they aren’t really comparable. Doctors are necessarily smarter and better than lawyers and vice versa. They’re two completely different disciplines that require different types of effort.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 0
      PhiPsiPhrat

      The problem with the LSAT, all of law school, and the bar exam is that they’re completely irrelevant as to whether you can read a case, write well, or practice law.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 0
      ReaganKA

      yeah but because of obamacare being a doctor is a shitty profession now. Enjoy going through 8 years of school only to max out at a salary of 150k. You could make that shitty salary by being a pharmacist.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -3
      Douglas MacArthur

      ^^ First of all, I have no undergrad debt, so I will only have to pay for 4 years school. Second, most not-for-profit hospitals will take on the remainder of you loan if you work for them for about 5 years (absorbing your debt allows them to factor it into their non-profit budget). After that time you could leave if you so choose. Third, the basis behind decreased salaries is that Medicare will decrease payments to doctors. Therefore, doctors can reduce the amount of Medicare patients they choose to see. The altruistic doctors will wind up seeing nothing but Medicare patients, and will see more per hour in order to stay afloat financially, but this will decrease the quality of healthcare for the patients. Either this will create two separate classes of doctors who give different qualities of healthcare, or obamacare will simply fall apart.
      tl;dr I’m not worried.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -4
      Douglas MacArthur

      Let’s see here, the MCAT is longer and harder than the LSAT, just about any med school is harder to get into than even the top law schools (acceptance rates are all below 10%), med school is 4 years compared to 3 for law school, the med school curriculum is more time consuming, to get certified med students have to pass 4 exams compared to one long bar exam, and after graduation you spend a minimum of 3 years doing residency which is pretty close to sleighvry. It’s no comparison, bro.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

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