Like virtually everything on Total Frat Move, take the following words with a massive grain of salt, and maybe some penicillin just to be on the safe side.
The best advice I ever got while preparing for the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) did not come from a hand-me-down Princeton Review prep book. My best advice didn’t come from one of the many law school-bound degenerates before me who spent their weeknights wristing hockey pucks through the hazement windows.
Strangely enough, the best LSAT advice that was ever bestowed upon me came from, of all places, a Peyton Manning joke that is buried in the Bill Simmons archive.
“I am in complete control of this offense. I prepare for games like no other quarterback in the NFL. I am in the best shape of my life. I have done everything I can to succeed…and I’m losing. Ohmigod. I’m not that good.”¬- Malcom Gladwell, discussing “The Manning Face.”
Swear to God. That quip about Captain Clutch might be the truest words that have ever been spoken about the exam that strikes fear into the hearts of so many of America’s future lawyers.
Preparation can guide you to wonderful places in life. You can spend hours breaking down game film, burying your head in a playbook, envisioning every scenario that the opposition could possibly throw at you. But in the end, you either have the testicular wherewithal to read a zone defense, or you don’t. There’s no in between during winning time. Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.
It sounds cocky. That’s because it is. Welcome to America.
As to the actual exam itself, there are three parts of the LSAT, each more mind-numbingly simple than the next.
Bill says something dumb about the weather. Tim calls Bill a liberal. You guess what the weather is like in Bill’s imaginary world.
Mike tapped into the Woodford a little early, and now a sorority J-Board executive must schedule the order of which sobbing freshman she must attend to.
- Amanda, Beth, Chrissy, Danielle, Elise, Holly, Jessica, and Kate must stop crying before the Valentine’s Day mixer is ruined.
- The J-Board executive only has enough attention to slip them once every 30 minute interval.
- Beth and Danielle can only cry consecutively, unless another girl makes a scene in the bathroom.
- Beth must cry at an earlier time than Elise, because Elise said she looks like ugly in that sweater
- Danielle has to cry later than Holly, because Holly is talking to Mike
- If Holly isn’t the fourth to put watch a DIsney movie, then Amanda must go fourth, because she’s like that, I guess?
- Kate and Jessica cannot shut up, because otherwise the world would end
Which of the following could be true?
A) Beth went first, because she was totally the most upset, seriously.
B) Danielle went fifth, because she can’t even
C) Holly went last, because she’s always fashionably late. Always.
D) Jessica went sixth, because OH MY GOD I’M BORING MYSELF PUTTING THIS TOGETHER.
E) Kate went third, because ugh
F) MAKE IT STOP
In short, this is all you need to know for the LSAT: Bring an analog watch. Sketch out all of your problems.
Most importantly, when push comes to shove, if you simply don’t have what it takes, all that preparation gets you is a $2,000 course that ultimately teaches you one thing: “Ohmigod. I’m not that good.”