Your Team Sucks: The Journey of Acceptance

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Passionate college football fans that live and die with the result of each weekend’s matchup typically go through a wide range of emotions during each season. We start with certain expectations, and experience great moments of happiness, excitement, anger, disappointment or depression along the way. Now that bowl season is upon us, it seems an appropriate time to reflect back on the different ways our respective teams can build up or damage our fragile mental psyches throughout the course of a season.

Pre-Season Hype Excitement

It’s been a long, hot, miserable goddamn offseason, and last year absolutely blew. I still can’t believe how badly we choked. But thankfully that’s all behind us, and fall practice has just started. Let’s check out some practice reports to see what the upcoming season has in store…

Oh, fuck yes! These guys sound like the ‘85 Bears. I swear we have like eight All-Americans on this team, and our recruiting class was basically the best ever. Two 5-stars and a shit load of fours? You shitting me? I can’t believe our defense has nine guys returning from last season. Three of those assholes made All-Conference for fuck sake. We seriously may not give up a point this season. We’re going to win this whole fucking thing. No question in my mind. Junior QB Billy Badass can throw the pigskin through a brick fucking wall. He might’ve had a tough sophomore season, but he’s older now, more mature, and it looks like he put on about 10 pounds of pure muscle during the offseason. Plus, last year was his first with the new QB coach. He’ll get those 18 INTs fixed no problem. I bet he leaves early for the NFL. Top 10 pick most likely. I should probably go ahead and pre-order National Championship tickets now.

(Season Opener) The Fuck Was That?

Did we really just beat North Texas by only 10 points? At home? We put up a 17-spot on these slapdicks? 12 for 27 passing for 178 yards and two picks? We out-gained them by 45 yards? What happened to the D?

Man, these guys must really be rusty. I hope they’re not buying into their own hype and reading their press clippings. They need to get focused. Eh…give ‘em time. They’ll figure it out. Not to mention they have a new offensive coordinator and, of course, the semi-new QB coach. They’re just working out the kinks. We’ll win by 30 next week.

(First Loss) There Goes The Natty

Well shit, there goes the national mother fucking god damn championship. This was supposed to be our year for a run at the title! At least we lost to a solid program. No…screw that. They’re a great program. I’ll bet anything they win out. They have to be that damn good to beat us like that on our own turf in front of 95,000 fans. I guess we can still take conference, but SHIT this sucks. Alright, fuck it. Let’s win out and keep those cross-state assholes from winning it again.

Oh, fuck me running. Here comes Dr. Lou trying to pump the team up after a tough loss.

(Third Loss) Excuses and Denial

5 and 3? Really? 5 and fucking 3? What the hell happened to that preseason hype bullshit? Well, our middle LB was out for a few games, and our RB has had hammy issues. I’m sure he’s at like 80% health. Plus, we just played in the rain and our QB had trouble gripping the ball, and that new piece of shit QB coach is still clearly an issue. The offensive line still hasn’t fully grasped the new scheme yet. They’ll come around eventually. It’s not a talent issue. At least we know that. Just wait until the NFL draft when these guys start flying off the board in the first couple rounds.

Let’s just chalk this up as a rebuilding year. We have our rivalry game coming up soon. Beating them will be our saving grace. I’ll bet anything our guys get up for this game and take them out.

(Loss to Rival) #*@%*&**#!!!

(Now alone at a bar)

#*@%*&**#!!! Now I have to listen to those dickbags talk shit for another year. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. Those inbred, meth-mouthed, cheating sons of bitches. I hope their team bus crashes on the way to the airport and they all sustain career-ending injuries. I’ve never felt this shitty after a game before.

Dammit, my phone is blowing up. Shit, there it goes again. I swear it better not be fucking Tim again. Stop texting me asshole. I know your team beat mine. Don’t be Tim. Don’t be Tim. FUCK! It’s Tim. Oh yeah, you think that’s funny, Tim? I’m going to murder Tim.

#*@%*&**#!!!

(Loss by 30 to Inferior Opponent) Team-Deprecation

Unbelievable. I hope they all fucking transfer. Half these guys couldn’t see the field for our intramural team. I mean, holy shit, we just need to clean house. Their scholarships should all be forfeited, and they should all be shot. Good recruits my ass. How long are “Letters of Intent” binding?

XXX XXX couldn’t tackle a baby in an elevator. Do we really have no one better than him? XXX XXX couldn’t cover an 8-year-old in a wheel chair. I legitimately hate that guy. XXX XXX couldn’t block my grandmother on roller skates. He’s a dumpster fire. And that damn QB coach…he can jump off a bridge for all I care.

I hate this damn team. So glad this season is over. Where’s the alcohol?

(Season Over) Always Next Year

New recruiting class coming in? Check. Another year in a new system? You bet. Senior quarterback? Hell yes. Lots of players graduating…addition by subtraction? Most definitely. Let me check Rivals and see how the recruiting trail is taking shape. I really hope we can land Damarcus James from Lafayette. That guy is a monster coming off the edge. Oh shit yes! He’s favoring us and we just picked up a 4-star outside linebacker to help give us some solid depth.

Fuck yes! We’re taking the natty next year. There is no doubt about it.

College football is a cruel mistress. A terrible, hurtful, ominous, mouthy, spiteful, menstruating, slutty bitch of a cruel mistress. But damn, she is fine as hell and we will always keep going back to her.

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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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    Roger_Dorn

    For those saying this doesn’t apply to you, you must have just started following college football within the last few years.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

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