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10 Characteristics That Make Her A Keeper

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Girlfriend Material

10. She’s a freak.

Relationships are 1/3 sex and I contend they should be 1/2 sex. If the sex blows (meaning she deadfishes and watch-checks you every 15 seconds), she’s not trying. And if she’s not trying to hold up half of her end of the relationship, she’s not likely to hold up the other facets for long, either. With that being said, you should always put your best 5 1/2 inches forward. It’s gotta be depressing being on the receiving end of a D-train that arrives too soon, or can’t even make it out of the station.

Conversely, if she’s always up to try something different, or, better yet, she has a few “moves” she wants to try on you and just wants to blow your mind, she’s a keeper.

9. She has/is pursuing a worthwhile livelihood.

Ambition is attractive from both sides. As much as girls respect men who seem passionate about their livelihood, men seek women who set their aspirations higher than just being a homemaker with a worthless degree. The pursuit of an engineering, any sort of hard-science, or law degree is guaranteed to earn bonus points on any man’s scorecard.

8. She understands baseball.

I admit that football can be hard to follow, and most girls claiming to understand the ebb and flow of American football are Russian spies and should be treated as such. Developing a minimalist understanding of baseball, however, is not incredibly difficult.

Baseball is a conservative gateway to professional sports, seeing as baseball games are as much about the fan experience as they are actual spectating. And dates at the ballpark are the best kind.

7. She thinks TFM is funny.

Better said, she can stomach a blow job joke without hacking off her hair and screaming about being marginalized.

6. You get along with her dad.

I consider getting along with a girl’s dad to be an in-route to her longterm plans. Dads want to talk golf, muscle cars, good seasonal beers, and how much hell they raised in their younger days. And he only wants you to shut up and listen. Listening to his stories and keeping your mouth shut usually leads to appreciable success with her father, who will be the most difficult person to please (unless her mom is her “bestie”). Once her dad likes you, family functions are way more palatable and you won’t bristle at the prospect of going over to her folks’ place for dinner.

You might get lucky and find out he’s rich, has no sons, rocks a garage full of old cars, and owns a lake house in the Poconos. At that point, you put a ring on his daughter just to marry into the will.

5. She can shoot whiskey.

Fireball doesn’t count.

I get that whiskey is hardly a girl’s favorite liquor, but her ability to throw one back suggests that she has a diversified palate for drinks and she can handle her liquor, which is a huge plus. If the shots are flowing and she can drain a shot of Maker’s like she’s Max Hooper (and not start stumbling toward the jukebox, screaming something about playing more Blink 182), you should propose more than just a toast.

4. Trivial things don’t piss her off.

You dated a girl once upon a time that looked for reasons to be angry at you. For me, this relationship engulfed two years of undergrad until the perpetuity of walking on eggshells became so soul-draining, I was one more meaningless fight away from ending up on the front page of the city paper.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, one of my best friends became recently engaged to a girl who hasn’t bitched a day in her life. She gives him the freedom to have fun without her and she prioritizes their aggregate happiness over getting pissed at him for every little microaggression. They might even make it past eight years, though I’m still taking the under.

3. She can identify three major kitchen appliances.

She need not hail from a 3 Star Michelin restaurant to be a competent cook. The recent diffusion of gender roles should not excuse a girl from knowing her way around a kitchen and being able to execute the basic functions of cooking. Likewise, we ask that a girl not take umbrage at the suggestion she spearhead dinner, in lieu of take-out, on a day her man works late. It’s not sexism; it’s courtesy.

2. Her mom is pretty hot for 55.

Applying the MILF-O-Meter™ to a girl’s middle-aged mother should give you a good feel for how well she’ll age. Throw out the most superficial features, like the amount of gray in her hair, and look to her most important aspects. How’s her ass looking now that the warranty’s up? Are those milkers still standing tall? If she’s got a hot mom, chances are she’ll age like a single malt scotch.

1. She gets along with your best friends.

The importance of the oft-tenuous relationship between a prospective girlfriend and a guy’s best friends cannot be overstated — unless a guy’s a sociopath, when a girl dates a him, she’s dating his best friends and should never give him an ultimatum.

If she assimilates well within your group of friends, despite being a love interest, that’s true staying power. Until she bangs your best friend. Then she’s a Katie. Avoid Katies.

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Kramer Smash

Unabashed Pitt alum with an affinity for brown girls and Manhattans. Send lovelies to

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