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10 Real Football Players Who Should Have Gone To Blue Mountain State

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Arguably the greatest college football show of all time, Blue Mountain State depicts a team full of derelicts whose exploits off the field were far more noteworthy than their accomplishments on it, mainly because the entire team would have wound up either dead or in jail had they existed in real life. Yet, every now and then, you encounter that special athlete who embodies what it means to be a BMS Mountain Goat both on and off the field. So without further ado, here they are.

10. Marcus Vick

If Radon Randell were a real person, his name would be Marcus Vick. The younger brother of Michael Vick, despite his undeniable talent, racked up more arrests than touchdowns during his short career as a Virginia Tech Hokie. By the way, he threw for 20 touchdowns and rushed for 6 more in case you were interested.

9. Aaron Hernandez

Despite accumulating close to 2,000 receiving yards and 20 touchdowns during his 3-year career with the New England Patriots, Aaron Hernandez is nevertheless someone you DO NOT want on your fantasy football team, mainly because he’s in jail for murder. Before being sent away for busting caps in an industrial park, this model citizen knocked out a bouncer, was suspended multiple times for failing drug tests, and was questioned for his role in a drive by shooting — all before setting foot in the NFL. Oh, and he also shot his best friend in the face over an argument at a strip club. Great Guy.

8. Nate Newton

Nate Newton was an offensive lineman for the Dallas Cowboys from 1986 until 1998. Aside from making it to six Pro Bowls over the course of his career, Newton is perhaps more known for being busted with over 200 lbs of marijuana twice in the same month. Enough said.

7. Chris Kluwe

Being a punter in the NFL is far and away the most useless position in sports. However, the average NFL punter makes close to $1 million per year, which is why I had to include Chris Kluwe. There is nothing noteworthy about him. He’s a freakin’ punter. But what is noteworthy is the blog he kept, detailing his rigorous lifestyle.

6. Pacman Jones

When he’s not picking off opposing QBs and taking punt returns to the house, Adam “Pacman” Jones’ favorite things to do include making it rain and shooting people. From 2005-2007, he was arrested numerous times for a slew of activities ranging from public intoxication, assault and vandalism to drug possession and resisting arrest. He was suspended multiple times for failing numerous drug tests and was also implicated in various gang-related shootings (mainly at strip clubs).

5. Lawrence Taylor

Arguably the greatest linebacker of all time, LT accumulated over 1,050 tackles and 130 sacks during his 13-year career in the NFL. He also allegedly used to smoke crack before games, hire prostitutes for opposing players on game day, and put penicillin in his protein shakes in order to combat STDs (courtesy of having sex with hookers). Rumor has it LT drank 41 bottles of Coors Light the day he was drafted and once arrived to practice in handcuffs after a wild night with some call girls who forgot to bring the key. Good thing they didn’t have social media back in 1985.

4. Johnny Manziel and Rob Gronkowski

No explanations necessary.

3. Brian Bosworth

Just imagine Thad Castle as a real person and then can you understand who Brian “The Boz” Bosworth was both on and off the field. Arguably the most well-known college football player of the 1980s, “The Boz” was an absolute monster who recorded 413 tackles during his 3-year career at OU. Yet he was known more for his outlandish haircuts, controversial statements, and love for cocaine and steroids. Suspended from the 1986 National Championship Game for failing a drug test, Bosworth was kicked off the Sooner football team for wearing a custom-made NCAA t-shirt that said “National Association for Communists Against Athletics” on the sidelines in front of a nationally-televised audience. He then declared for the NFL draft and arrived to his first practice with the Seattle Seahawks in a private helicopter, before not amounting to nearly as much as a pro.

2. The 1986 Miami Hurricanes

The 1986 Miami Hurricanes would have gone down as the greatest college football team of all time had they not lost to Penn State in the National Championship game. Featuring close to 30 future NFL players (including Michael Irvin and Vinny Testaverde), what’s even more impressive was the fact that almost 50 players were either arrested or implicated for various crimes including, but not limited to, shoplifting, credit card fraud, and packing heat on campus. Oh, and nobody on that team missed a game for those infractions all season.

1. Kenny Powers

Kenny Powers may not be a football player, or a real human being for that matter, but I could not think of another person (real of fake) who I’d rather see on that show. Just picture a Kenny Powers-led baseball team crashing a party at the goat house. Envision Kenny Powers sitting amongst Thad Castle during a BMS Council of Captains meeting. The possibilities are limitless.

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Alexander Strenger is a substitute teacher and pedicab driver in Austin, TX. His favorite things to do include playing NBA Jam, lifting fat chicks, and talking about the terrible book he wrote. Seriously, why is this guy even writing for us?

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