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If only I knew then what I know now…
We’ve all had this thought before, right? It’s applicable to many facets of this crazy journey we call life. College, though, now college is such a transitionary time that this adage proves even truer for. We’re going to make many decisions during this time, and unfortunately, many of these decision are going to be pretty terrible ones.
If I could knock some sense into my freshman self, these are ten things I’d say:
1. You’re gonna get hazed.
I was a naive little shit when I first set foot on campus. Physical hazing was myth, or so I thought. Mental hazing? Pffft, what’s that? I simply wasn’t prepared for the noise to be brought on me like it was about to be brought on me.
2. You don’t need all those goddamn meal swipes, man.
Me to my parents: “They have an option for like 500 swipes for the campus meal plan this semester. I dunno, I mean I figure if I eat three meals a day, everyday, I could run through these things pretty easily.“
By mid-November I was taking truckloads of freeloading friends to the dining hall to hook them up with my swipes.
3. Simply being inside the library doesn’t mean you’re actually studying, dumbass.
My freshman grades fell below the Mendoza line, which was weird, in my mind anyway, because I logged countless library hours. Sure, the majority of them were mandatory pledge study hours, but I was in there. My books were even open. The problem is my friends were in there with me, and most of our time was spent whispering about all the trim strolling though there.
It took me quite a while to climb out of the probationary hole I’d dug for myself.
4. Two weeks into your fall semester, this average looking chubby girl is going to try really hard to get your attention. Don’t let her.
She’s certifiably insane, and you’ll figure it out quickly when — only 15 minutes after meeting her — she overzealously goes in for the hand hold session and won’t take “no” for an answer. She’ll end up ruining your night.
It’s a weird one, I know. It’ll pay off, though.
5. Take advantage of this window of minimal hangovers.
Your alcohol fountain of youth eventually begins to dry up and hangovers slowly and surely start to grab you by the giblets as you age. Take advantage.
6. The worst night of your life, up to that point, will be “Cafe Night” [actual name redacted] during hell week.
You know how smell is your sense that is the one strongest tied to your memory? Well, a couple times per year I can still smell Cafe Night. Mentally prepare for it or find a way to sneak some alcohol in the house and get violently drunk before. Also, vomit is your friend.
7. Spend as little time as possible with your roommate.
I went potluck for my first year in the dorms. I got stuck with this Swiss nerd named Fabian. Fabian could suck the cool out of the room at an Academy Awards after-party. Automatic two-point respect deduction with him in your presence. Just a total zero.
8. You can’t handle pot.
Especially when you’ve been drinking. This would all come to a head during your first college spring break trip to your pledge brother’s cabin in the Rockies. One fateful night, while many beers deep and after smoking pot, you’ll have to choose between puking or shitting on the floor because it was coming out both ends.
9. Eye-fucking is very frowned upon during lineup.
This would be a common theme during every lineup. It’s a weird thing because it’s only natural to look into the eyes of the person speaking to you, so although you’re consciously and constantly trying to avoid it, it’s tough to do. Just pick out your spot on the ceiling/wall directly in front of you and fall in love with it. It’ll give them less ammo to use against you.
10. For the love of God, cherish it.