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10 Ways To Lose Weight While Maintaining Your Manhood

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Add fat acceptance to the long list of things people my age believe that pisses me off, right below “Civics should be louder” and a spot above “EDM is music.” Big isn’t beautiful and dad bodies, contrary to popular opinion, are NOT in. Don’t be overweight, you fat fuck. I realize that dieting can be seen as emasculating and some will say it’s unnecessary if you get enough exercise. For everyone else with enough common sense to admit you need a healthy diet, paired with exercise, to lose weight and maintain a good physique, here are ten ways to accomplish this without everyone thinking you’re a little bitch.

10. Order The Hot Wings

When you’re out with buddies at the bar and they want to order a pizza, suggest wings instead. Most restaurants don’t make their own hot sauce, but it’s still usually lower in carbs and sugar, compared to sweet and sour, barbeque and General Tso’s sauces. For a masculinity boost, order them extra hot.

9. Do Yard Work If You Can’t Make The Gym

Sometimes working in the yard is almost as strenuous as lifting. Cut grass on your rest days and spend some time preening hedges if the gym closes before your last class ends. While you shouldn’t be a bitch and skip the gym if you can help it, a mountain of yard work is a convenient excuse to stay home.

8. Take More Shots

Straight liquor has no carbs, sugar, fat or sodium. If you’re still watching your intake, take in more shots and no one will accuse you of being a bitch. If you have a couple extra bucks, buy a round of shots and the bar patrons will love you. Just avoid mixed shots and liqueurs.

7. Do NOT Go Vegetarian Or Vegan

Pay no mind to what the guy at the book store says about the meat industry: You’ll look like a bitch if you cut meat out of your diet. While I encourage you to eat salads in the privacy of your apartment, everyone will think you’re a massive bitch if you announce you’ve gone vegetarian or vegan. And you don’t deserve friends.

6. Drink Light Beer During Dinner And Games

Beer is terrible for a diet, thanks to its high carb count. It’s tough to commit to having “just one.” Sometimes you can’t avoid drinking beer and you don’t want to be seen drinking Michelob Ultra. Light beers, while not the most frat thing in the world, won’t prompt any sneers from your friends. Keeping a few in the fridge isn’t a bad idea if people are coming over for a game.

5. BYOB And Offer To Bring Food To Social Functions

You can’t control what alcohol or food will be available at parties and barbecues. The best way to combat this uncertainty, without risking looking like a bitch who won’t eat anything, is to offer to bring your own booze and make something for the event. Bringing the ribs or making the coleslaw should excuse you from eating the macaroni salad. Avoid drinking from the keg by bringing a bottle of Goose or Jameson.

4. Don’t Stop Lifting, But Choose Your Partner Carefully

Wanting to lose weight is not an invitation to start CrossFit, nor is an excuse to not lift at all. A key to weight loss is maintaining muscle mass and continuing to develop all parts of your body in tandem with consistent cardio. Be sure your partner is similarly committed to both lifting and cardio. A shitty partner can really put a damper on your gym time as well as your fitness goals.

3. Make Your Own Food And Mix Your Own Drinks

Anytime you choose to stay in and drink, in lieu of hitting the bars, always make your own drinks. This way, there’s no risk of someone fucking up and putting Coke in your whiskey instead of diet. There’s no stigma in choosing diet over regular coke, especially since diet gets you drunker.

In the same vein, make your own meals. While this only pertains to guys whose moms and girlfriends make their lunches, it’s smarter to make your own meals so you know exactly what’s in it. Plus, bringing a diet-friendly lunch to your summer internship discourages you from getting Five Guys during your lunch breaks.

2. If You Must Eat Out, Choose A Steakhouse

If you find eating out is unavoidable (e.g. it’s a first date or you’re celebrating a birthday), make reservations at a steakhouse. No one tearing into a half rack of ribs or cutting a mid-rare steak was ever accused of being a little bitch. Baked potatoes and french fries aren’t the most diet friendly sides, so order a vegetable medley or salad as a side. You’re still appeasing your inner carnivore without looking like a little bitch.

1. Stay Diligent During The Week So You Can Enjoy Your Weekends

You CAN relax your diet one or two days a week and still see appreciable results. Cheat days can be seen as break days and they keep you committed to dropping lbs, while dieting seven days a week will surely lead to burnout. Staying the course during the week allows for an intemperate weekend. Bear in mind, you can still set your weight loss goals back if you drink too many soft drinks or hit up the O-Garden on the weekends.

Just don’t be a fucking idiot and be cognizant that every carb and calorie counts.

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Kramer Smash

Unabashed Pitt alum with an affinity for brown girls and Manhattans. Send lovelies to

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