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It should be your biggest fear if it isn’t already. St. Paddy’s day got a little too crazy. 50 people were arrested at fraternity houses that night, and now your university has no option but to ban all greek events until they figure out how to get a handle on the carousel of depravity that’s spawned from you dumb bastards hiring a dozen “tiny people” for a Leprechaun manhunt. Congratulations, your chapter just turned into a group of friends that you now pay thousands of dollars to hangout with.
Now, you might be thinking, “This could never happen at my university.” Well, if you got booze, women, and uncontrollably horny frat boys, you bet your snapback headed, sperry wearing, silver spoon fed ass that this can happen to you. It happened at my school, and it was a dreary, sober, sexless, and grey three-and-a-half weeks.
Here are 12 steps you can take to try to cope with life in Greek purgatory.
- STAY CALM. I know you’re mad because you were really looking forward to spitting game at Chi O Becky with the good honkers during your Thursday night social. But let’s be honest, Becky is way too hot for you, and can probably drink your lightweight ass under the table.
- Detox. Think of this as an opportunity to cleanse your body of all the impurities you’ve built up from bingeing on Moscato, shrooms, and everything in-between over the course of the year.
- Try hitting on women when you’re sober. I heard that’s how you’re supposed to meet that thing called a “wife.”
- Read a book. Actually, fuck that. Just get really invested in Friday Night Lights on Netflix again. You’ll learn way more from Coach Taylor than some scrub like Malcolm Gladwell.
- Get to know the pledges. Believe it or not, they are worth (slightly) more than writing papers and sober rides.
- Go to class.
- Nevermind, going to class is never worth it.
- Call your parents. They’ve probably forgotten about your existence. Or they might be worried that you’re in jail again.
- Clean your nasty, disease-ridden house for the first time since 1992. You won’t believe how many unopened beers you’ll stumble across.
- Go get tested for STD’s. Not even joking about this one. If you haven’t done this yet, you’re a monster.
- Sit back and watch your bank account grow. It’s amazing how much money you save when you aren’t draining your account every two weeks to buy a half g of monarch and blow.
- Remember this won’t last forever. Soon enough, your university will allow you to go back to fulfilling your purpose of not contributing to society in any way whatsoever.
By the way, this advice is intended for those greek systems that have only been temporarily put on probation. If your greek system gets kicked off of campus, or if your house gets shut down, then you should probably just end it all now. Your glory days are over. No more getting away with being an alcoholic. No more entering parties without being asked, “who do you know here.” Welcome to being a miserable piece of shit for the rest of your life..