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1. You have a tattoo of your Greek letters. No, there are not exceptions to this rule. Want to show off you’re in a tier one frat? Wear a fucking t-shirt, don’t brand yourself for life. You’ll end up fat, fifty, and sitting by a public pool explaining how much “puss” you “used to slam on the reg.”
2. You carry magnum rubbers in your wallet. The fact that you don’t play in the NBA probably means you don’t need the prophylactics that fit on a Pringles can, and they don’t work after sitting in your wallet for as long as you aren’t getting laid for anyway.
3. You’re still talking about Harambe. I’m hesitant to even list this as, by talking about it, I am in fact trying too hard. The time has come and gone. Let this joke die, like the great fallen Harambe himself.
4. You actually believe this sentence: “Girlfriends are for pussies, bro.” While being committed fucking sucks, if you say this, most likely nobody has ever actually wanted to date you. Single by choice? TFM. Single due to abhorrent personality and or sickening appearance? NF.
5. You refer to women as “slams” in the presence of other women. Nothing makes a girl wet like the juvenile objectification of their friends you’re probably lying about fucking.
6. You get angry with brothers that do not attend chapter meetings. Barring some unforeseen disaster with nationals and or the administration of your school, chapter meetings should be treated like spring semester lectures: attendance is optional, inebriation mandatory.
7. You know more about the history of your chapter than your country. First of all, who gives a fuck as to the general history of your fraternity, but if you want to know all about it, go ahead. But the amount of idiots I know that can name off their fraternity founders, but can’t name the first 3 American presidents, should be treated to an immediate kick to the nuts.
8. You post pics of your “gains” on Snapchat. We’re 18-to-23-year-old men, brimming with testosterone and perpetually trying to fuck hotter women; yes, most of us work out. If you think the dime from Alpha Phi is going to fuck you because you “smashed your five rep,” I have no idea how you got a bid in the first place.
9. You suggest and advocate for party themes that you know will cause social outrage. Guys, nobody needs a fucking blackface evening, a Jerry Sandusky Halloween costume, nor a “White lives matter!” banner. Stick to the basics: girls, booze, and themes that require little to no clothing. Keep us out of the news for being idiots, please.
10. You legitimately hate GDIs. I’ve never understood this, but it’s a phenomenon that persists. So, wait, we can’t stand the kids that sit in dorms while we have the hottest women on campus in our houses? I just don’t get it. Let them languish, and continue habitually masturbating, in peace.
11. You claim you “would never go on a date.” Right, you must be fucking some high-quality women that you’ve NEVER taken for a drink at least. I’m sure. I’m all for the party hookup; it’s an institution of college life. But no woman above a seven, unless of course you’ve found the holy grail (a woman in a relationship that will secretly fuck you without dates, sleepovers, extended hangout time, gifts, and all while the boyfriend fulfills these roles), will continue to fuck you without any semblance of effort demonstrated on your part.
12. Almost all of your sexual exploits took place on “spring break” in a destination nobody else can corroborate. I fucking hate this aspect of some Greek cultures. Look, even in a decent fraternity, some kids just cannot pull. Frankly, I could not care less how many feminine caverns you’ve explored, I’m more concerned with my own penis. Stop lying.
13. You seemingly only own Sperrys. Sperrys are fine; we all know that. But wearing them in the gym, poolside, even claiming to fuck in them, is laughably idiotic. We’re supposed to be gentlemen, not cartoonish personifications of misguided fraternity stereotypes. Sperrys are cheap, and constantly wearing cheap shoes is NF..