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Every stoned burnout zombie loves to use a big ol’ bong sometimes when he goes on a date with Ms. Mary Jane. Bongs are an amazing invention. You can smoke that sticky icky out of ’em, but they also double as a baseball bat or a blunt object to beat up a burglar with if the opportunity so presents himself.
But for all my fellow potheads who wanna think outside the box, maybe you can get a little creative. There’s a whole hidden art form to crafting bongs out of regular everyday objects like you’re some sort of weed MacGyver. Have you ever wanted to try it but don’t know where to start? Here are some suggestions.
Go apple picking with your girl even though it’s boring as fuck and the whitest thing ever. Carve a hole and insert the bowl.
Find a milkman, pull a gun on him, and demand free milk. Kill him just to be safe — so he doesn’t tell anyone what went down. Drink the milk, carve a hole, and insert the bowl (warning: may not work; milkmen may not exist anymore since we don’t live in a 50s sitcom).
Steal a Pringles can from the grocery store by shoving it up your ass and smuggling it out the door. Eat all the Pringles, carve a hole, and insert the bowl (warning: wash the Pringles can before you use it so it doesn’t taste like your ass).
Drink a full water bottle. Your bladder will be full afterwards, but you can just pee in that empty Pringles can. Carve a hole and insert the bowl, then somehow trick someone into drinking from that Pringles can.
Steal your grandfather’s heart medication or your buddy’s medicine that he takes for bipolar disorder and pour all the pills into the toilet. Flush. Then carve a hole and insert the bowl. Your grandpa might have a heart attack or your friend might go crazy, but it’s worth it.
Meet Tiger Woods and tag team one of his mistresses with him. After you’re done, steal one of his golf balls, carve a hole, and insert the bowl. Yes, I know you could easily just BUY a golf ball, but then you wouldn’t be able to tag team a chick with Tiger Woods, dumbass.
Steal some lady’s baby. Tell a woman that Channing Tatum is behind her, and, while she’s looking away, snatch the kid and bring it home. Take that baby’s bottle, carve a hole and insert the bowl.
If you don’t wanna waste that baby you just stole, take the top of the baby’s head, carve a hole, and insert the bowl.
If you don’t wanna smoke out of a baby because it’s too easy, try this one. It’s more challenging because midgets can fight back. Same process — just make sure you’re ready, ’cause these little fuckers are stronger than you think.
YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S SNATCH
While you’re going down on her, insert the bowl into her hole and take a hit. If she wonders why there’s smoke coming out from in between her legs while you’re supposed to be eating her out, just be like, “I’m workin’ hard down here.”
MY GIRLFRIEND’S SNATCH
We’re in a very open relationship, and she’s got a weird fetish for people smoking weed out of her. I don’t know why.
BOB MARLEY’S SKULL
Before you think I’m being insensitive, remember that Bob Marley is already dead. What I’m asking you to do is NOT a violent or disrespectful act. As a matter of fact, it’s a tribute. What could be cooler than smoking weed out of Bob Marley’s skull? Find his skull, carve a hole, and insert the bowl. It’ll make a great story.
WALLY BRYTON’S SKULL
Kill that unfunny piece of shit, cut his head off, carve a hole, and insert the bowl.
To be honest, this is probably the easiest one..
Image via Shutterstock