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17 Things Nationals Doesn’t Need To Hear About When They Come To Town

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Other than attending a leadership conference, a visit from nationals is probably the worst thing that you will ever have the displeasure of experiencing during your college fraternity days. There is just something about seeing a couple of post-graduate leadership consultants strolling through campus, wearing polo shirts with your fraternity letters embroidered into it, that just sucks the life out of you and your fraternity for the duration of their visit. Not to mention, a visit from nationals also means that countless hours of work must be put into brainwashing the pledges on how to properly deny a hazing allegation.

Hazing, however, is far from the only worry you have to have when nationals are in town, here are a few things to avoid updating your goofy, “I take my job way too seriously,” leadership consultant the next time he pays your chapter a visit:

  1. We are running low on money this semester because we bought everyone’s fakes with our dues.
  2. We lost a pledge during a brotherhood hiking trip and it got dark so we decided to leave without him.
  3. “Don’t worry, he’s not dead, he’s just sleeping” — as you point to a pledge passed out with his head in the toilet.
  4. We definitely haze the least out of any fraternity on campus; it’s honestly not even that bad for the guys.
  5. We were banned from Greek Week this year due to a blood doping and HGH scandal that hit us during intramurals. The results are not looking good.
  6. “That’s just where we keep all of our cutlery” — as you pull out a knife from the house dartboard.
  7. So how close are we to actually having our charter taken away?
  8. “He’s just cleaning our dog’s cage” — despite the fact that a pledge is very obviously locked in the cage against his will.
  9. Our alumni board hates us due to the fact that a large number of us showed up drunk to the alumni golf outing and a bunch of us ended up puking in a sand trap.
  10. We almost ended up throwing a pledge into one of our bonfires. Thank God for our risk management chair.
  11. One of our pledges ended up lasting a whole minute during waterboarding before he blacked out.
  12. Our guys frequently like to throw themselves in front of campus police cars while they are driving in hopes that they will get free tuition from the school.
  13. Pretty much anyone you talk to hates us.
  14. We can’t receive funding from the school anymore because one of our brothers ended up hiring a prostitute with the check we were supposed to use to buy our philanthropy supplies. The school traced the check.
  15. At one of our mixers we ran out of vodka for our jungle juice so we had to sub in hand sanitizer instead and rubbing alcohol instead. No one even noticed until the next morning.
  16. We are also banned from derby this year because a brother decided to throw beer cans, which were full, at the horses as they passed.
  17. This past semester a brother got into a verbal altercation at the mall after he called a 12-year-old boy wearing cargo shorts a “disgrace to society” and suggested that his mom “do a better job at raising [her] children.” Apparently, mom found this offensive.

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