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Sometimes resources are scarce. Whether it’s because of some fairytale-like “climate change” or a complete lack of preparation on the part of a few individuals, your inability to have certain necessities can lead to a serious in-house crisis. That’s why, in case of an emergency, you should always have the following items on hand. If you don’t, well, you’re just asking for a complete in-house catastrophe.
- Pledges: Indentured servitude is never a bad thing to have around, and running out is the number one sign that your house is dead on the freeway.
- Booze: No goofy juice at the castle means one of two things. Either A) You suck, or B) You’re prepared for 48+ hours of Hell.
- Toilet Paper: Ever wiped your ass with crinkled-up notebook paper? I have, and it’s a dangerous game.
- Tobacco: Nic-fits were the worst part of Hell Week. Your boy almost begged the Pledge Ed for a sip of dip spit.
- Vessels For Said Tobacco: I knew a kid that would just huck his chew wherever. Inside wasn’t off limits. He was a real fuck. Glasses are easier to wash than floors, Mark.
- Condoms: Just kidding.
- Plan B: That’s more like it.
- Peanut Butter: Not bread, not jelly — just straight PB. Shit’s nutritious and lasts forever. They say Dan eats four jars a day.
- Golf Balls: The pledges can only retrieve so many of your shanks. Those guys suck at everything.
- Fish Tanks: How does anyone even get laid without an aquarium? The best part? You can just lie and say the fish are sleeping after you don’t feed them for a week. She’ll be none the wiser.
- Butter: Unlike your imaginary fish, pledges need to eat. Butter is for closers.
- Recreational Substances: You know, like paint and wood… for carpentry. What did you think I meant?
- Hundred Dollar Bills: For the paint and wood.
- Batteries and Socks: Unrelated, but refer to number one. Just to recap, I swear.
- Bandages: You know Dingo’s going to need one. That crazy fuck just won’t stop jumping off elevated surfaces.
- Duct Tape: God damn it, Dingo.
- Para-cord: Para-cord is duct tape’s textile cousin.
- Gas: Seriously, what kind of two bit operation runs out of gas? You’d have to have a seriously plummeting economy and lie about your state of education to do something like that..