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I’ve constructed a very simple and effective guide to not offending hardcore feminists. It’s easy to remember and easy to follow, and it’ll make everyone feel safer. Follow this guide and I guarantee you’ll be satisfied.
Here’s how to upset hardcore feminists. You’re welcome.
Try to have sex with them.
How dare you objectify her like that! She is NOT some sex toy that only exists for physical pleasure, and how dare you harass her like that. You’re sexualizing her too much.
Try not to have sex with them.
How dare you try to not have sex with her? What, is she too “ugly” for you? Do you think she’s fat? Stop body shaming her! Your lack of interest is triggering her. You’re not sexualizing her enough.
Use words that are all-inclusive.
Don’t say “mankind,” you male piece of shit. Say HUMANDKIND. Don’t say “policeman.” Say policeHUMAN. Don’t say “Peyton Manning.” Say Peyton HUMANing.
Assume someone’s gender.
Never ever EVER say some ignorant, disgusting shit like “hello ma’am” or “thank you, sir” to anyone. You don’t know what gender they identify as, so you’re basically being Hitler.
Assume there are only two genders.
You fucking piece of shit. According to this Tumblr page, there are over 50 genders. This includes astralgender (a gender that is connected to space) and hyrdogender (a gender which shares qualities with water). You NEED to memorize ALL FIFTY of these or else you’re going to trigger someone.
For those of you that don’t know what mansplaining is, it’s when a man explains anything. It’s horrifically sexist and oppressive, so don’t ever do it.
Support male entertainers that are predators.
Don’t watch Bill Cosby’s old stand-up. Don’t listen to R. Kelly. Every time you listen to the Ignition Remix it’s like R. Kelly is pissing on that girl all over again. Every time you listen to Michael Jackson, you moonwalk backwards into the patriarchy.
Don’t support female entertainers that are predators.
How dare you bash Lena Dunham! She’s a feminist hero. Who cares that she literally ADMITTED to sexually molesting her younger sister? She’s changing the world and smashing the patriarchy with her mediocre TV show and cheap asshole-eating jokes.
Support Kim Kardashian.
Don’t support her! She’s a terrible role model for young women!
Bash Kim Kardashian.
Don’t slut shame her! She can do whatever she wants! She’s independent and successful. She’s a great role model for young women!
Bash Hillary Clinton.
Forget her scandals! You only hate her because she’s a woman! Support her!
Support Hillary Clinton.
She’s not a real feminist! She’s just a fake feminist who’s not concerned about intersectional feminism. Don’t support her!
Jokes are inherently evil. Humor was just a tool invented by the patriarchy to oppress women. Don’t condone or participate in the disgusting and offensive practice commonly known as “comedy.”
That food you’re eating is food that could have been given to someone without your male privilege. Plus, every time you eat food, you’re being insensitive to people with eating disorders.
You really have the fucking nerve to drink water? Do you have ANY idea how sexist that is?!
Every time you walk, it’s a giant “fuck you” to people in wheelchairs. Be more sensitive. You’re being ableist, shithead.
You have no reason to sleep. You already have male privilege, and that should be enough for you. Every time you sleep, it’s a slap in the face to all the marginalized communities in America.
Every time you breathe, you’re sucking in some of the air that could gone into the lungs of women. Do you hate women? Do you want them to suffocate to death? If you breathe, you’re a sexist douchebag — end of story, no exceptions.
See? It’s so easy..