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Breaking up is part of life. You chalk it up as a loss and move on, because there are countless other ladies who populate this earth. She’ll move on as well, whether it’s to a complete stranger, to that kid you hate in your econ class, or even to your best friend. You can be a completely civil adult about the matter and wish her the best of luck moving forward, or you can be a normal dude and rag on her new boyfriend whenever an opportunity presents itself. I choose to go with the latter. Here are 19 ways to fuck with your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend.
- Wait for him to order a drink, intercept it when the bartender serves it to him, and take a big swig to remind him you were there first.
- Welcome him into your Eskimo brother lineage with the classic headlock-noogie combo while exclaiming, “This fucking guy!”
- Say, “I put plenty of miles on her, but there should be some tread left on the tires,” while playfully elbowing him in the ribs.
- Ask him if she’s still into an absurd sexual roleplaying activity that no girl would ever be into. When he looks disgusted, say, “Must’ve gotten it out of her system.”
- Take a piss in the urinal next to him, look down at his junk, laugh, and say, “I guess you could call that a dick.”
- Use his head as an armrest if he’s shorter than you.
- Toss him a beer and say, “Sorry, I don’t have any Mike’s Hard Lemonades.”
- “That thing she does with her tongue–so clutch, right? Yeah, you’re welcome.”
- Give him totally fabricated advice: “She’s afraid to talk about anal, but she loves surprises.”
- Offer to break down sex footage of the two of them, Jon Gruden QB Camp-style.
- Change his ringtone to Ray J’s “I Hit It First.”
- Give her a good ass slap in front of him and exclaim, “Not as tight as I remember.”
- Flirt with his mom at parents’ weekend. The next day, proclaim, “Soon enough, you can call me Dad.”
- Subscribe him to multiple wedding planning magazines under her address.
- “Did she ever get that stain out of her mattress?”
- Call him chief, ace, or slick, but never by his actual name.
- Hire the biggest, craziest looking mofo to harass your ex and him so he looks like a complete pussy when he doesn’t defend her honor.
- “It was actually her idea to put our video on PornHub.”
- Talk to your ex, and when he approaches you two, put out your hand and exclaim, “Could you give us a minute, sport? That’s all I need.” Proceed to fire a wink in his direction.
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