Earlier this morning while watching my Saturday cartoons — Spongebob only gets better with time folks — I logged the fuck on Reddit to get my weekly dose of Grade A, fresh never frozen content. One of the things I came across was about how Steve Holt is the greatest lover and was a list of all the girls I’ve made love to. Haylie Duff, Hillary’s hot older sister who was allowed one movie role in exchange for unlimited sex with the cast and crew? Check. Did I make that entire story up? Yes. Are any of you even old enough to know who the Duff sisters are? Nope.
Anyways, I know you all hate hearing from me. Let’s just get on with the content.
My ex wife heard it’s easier to swallow if you go all the way down as he’s cumming. So she gave it a try the next time we got a little wild, she’s never liked the taste of cum, or even tolerated it for that matter, so I gave her the courtesy tap, and she goes all the way down, I wasn’t expecting it, it did the trick to completely finish me off and I blow my load, she coughed, my cum came out of her nose, then she gagged, then she proceeded to throw my dick up, then throw up all over my junk and between my legs and on my stomach and my pelvic region.. it was everywhere. Moral of the story, blow jobs are for before dinner, not after.
While dating my ex, who was new to everything, she was told by a friend to chew on ice and blow me as it would feel good. She had never done really anything so when we tried this out, she chewed the ice and literally blew on me. Never put me in her mouth, just blew cold air onto my dick.
The thought of cum coming out of her nose makes me horned up.
Trojan fire and ice condoms. Why?
This reminds me of the time the football team tricked me into putting icy hot on my balls. It didn’t feel good like those jerks said.
The whole ‘sure fire method to make a girl squirt’ thing. Cue me rubbing and wiggling my fingers around inside there like kermit the frog having a seizure! Strangely enough it wasnt successful.
Actually not a bad sex tip here.
A blowjob with nutella covering my dick.
It was disappointing and ridiculously messy. Never again.
Sounds like your girlfriend was a nut job. Nailed that joke.
“Twist it, pull it, bop it”
This isn’t a game.
My friends dad trying to teach us how to hit the g-spot with your finger while smashing the clit with tongue. I never wanted to see a grown man in stubbies and singlet with a mullet try to teach me how to pleasure a woman, but that’s what I got.
If you’re not learning from an old man in a mullet, are you really learning sex at all?
I read something about Vaseline early in the day, but by the time night came around I somehow mixed up the name and thought it was Vicks Vapor Rub that the article was talking about. So I rubbed it on my boyfriend at the time. I remember he was like I don’t know won’t that burn… and I was like nooooo I read it in a magazine that it makes it feel better…. fast forward 5 minutes and it is my boyfriend in the shower crying trying to remove the burning sensation, but he can’t because it is repeling the water, he ends up like purging and crying for a long, long time. I felt like the worst person the world.
You are the worst person in the world.
One in the Pink nineteen in the stink.
NINETEEN?! Jesus. Have some respect for yourself.
I was going down on my ex, and he told me to bite his cock, chew it hard. And I did.
It was good advice for the person I was with (he seemed to like it well enough), but definitely bad, BAD advice for anyone else. Luckily I have the common sense not to try it with anyone else!
Your ex is not a real man.
my first time ever receiving oral the guy had been told by his bros girls like being bitten on the clit.
Always bite the clit. It is a bean after all.
Whipped cream. Fun at first, but then the stench, oh dear oh dear oh dear. The horrible stench of sour milk. And it just wouldn’t go away no matter how much we showered.
Or could you say it was “sour cream”? Nailed that joke too.
“Put a finger in her butt while she’s riding you”
It did not end well.
Seems logistically impossible.
Pop Rock blow job = sicky penis.
I’d rather stick my dick in a meat grinder.
sex while driving.
not road head. actual sex – we pulled it off but it was stupid and dangerous.
That’s how accidents happen, moron.
”Go fuck your mother”
9/10 would not recommend.
I wouldn’t mind taking a run at your mother.
If you pee in her after ejaculating in her, she won’t get pregnant. I actually just really had to pee, I didn’t ejaculate in her, and it was an accident, but it’s the thought that counts.
Always pee in her butt.
Chunky peanut butter as lube for anal.
Seems like creamy would have done the trick just as well.
shit tastes like shit
This is why you guys should stop eating ass.
To read more cringeworthy stories like this, go here..