Hairy guys don’t get enough credit for their suffering in the age of the acceptable beard. Growing up, it was a struggle every day just to maintain a semblance of facial and body hair normalcy. Sure, some women might like it all natural now, but the damage has already been done. While I was trimming stomach hair before my friends even had happy trails, girls wouldn’t stop gawking at those baby-faced, dolphin-chested little shits who didn’t hit puberty until the age of 19. I was shaving at 10, you assholes.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy to be man enough to always have Wolverine as my go-to Halloween costume. It’s just that, as I reflect on regrettable facial hair configurations crafted before I was old enough to know better and more clogged drains than I’d care to admit, I can’t help think of the 20 struggles that you only deal with if you’re covered in enough fur to pass for bigfoot.
1. Looking like a respectable member of society always takes more time and effort.
2. Trimming or plucking your eyebrows isn’t feminine. It’s so you can actually get females to talk to you.
3. Nair literally does nothing.
4. You do the “Thursday Trim” every day of the week.
5. To shave your face or body, you need to go over it beforehand with an electric trimmer.
6. You go through electric trimmers as often as normal guys go through razor blades.
7. You have designated razors — one for your face, one for your body, one for your ass, etc.
8. Disposable razors aren’t even a consideration.
9. Your beard connects to the hair on the back of your neck.
10. …and the hair on your chest.
11. …and your eyebrows.
12. Real love is getting your back shaved by your girlfriend.
13. …or your brother.
14. …or your mom.
15. Girlfriends eventually stop keeping up with shaving their legs because you set a bad example.
16. You are an expert at cleaning clogged shower drains.
17. However, you can’t complain about a sister or girlfriend’s shed hair doing the same.
18. Pictures exist of your middle school goatee phase.
19. …and your muttonchop sideburns phase.
20. You’ve said, “I swear it’s just an ingrown hair,” more times than you can count.