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1. Lilly Pulitzer
Girls: A beauty, a visionary, a lifestyle.
Guys: A dead lady who put a tag on your grandmother’s tablecloth and called it a $400 dress.
Guys: A quick, systematic mission to collect the essentials and nothing more.
Girls: It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey — the bi-weekly, five-hour journey.
3. The Gym
Guys: Where you go to sweat off a hangover and admire your campus’ latest selection of yoga pants.
Girls: The building that houses ellipticals, where you spend 30 minutes pretending to work off the salad you ate for lunch and dinner, in an attempt to tell other girls you are hotter than they are.
4. Facial Hair
Guys: A testament to the Glory of America in a Chuck Norris-esque fashion.
Girls: Something that makes kissing a boy unpleasant and receiving…ahem, kisses from a boy even more unpleasant.
Girls: Something sexy to overpay for and slip on to excite your gentleman caller.
Guys: Just one more pointless step between “you” and “naked.”
6. Grocery Shopping
Guys: Can you grill it? Buy it. Are there less than three steps under the “Cooking Instructions” label? Buy it.
Girls: A timely process consisting of making lists, checking nutrition labels, and referring to recipes.
7. The Masters
Guys: The Superbowl of the golf tournaments. It should be a holiday.
Girls: Something that only piques interest if it refers to a guy’s degree.
8. Pledge Rides
Girls: The most genius taxi service in existence.
Guys: The slowest and most inconsistent taxi service in existence.
Guys: Pits. Junk. Light chest lather. 10 minutes tops.
Girls: Meticulously shave every inch of your body, mentally plan out your day, lather, rinse, repeat. 20-30 minutes.
Guys: “These jeans smell okay, fuck it.”
Girls: “I don’t even want to know what most of the stains are from on this Oxford of his.”
11. Drink Orders
Guys: Any non-vodka, non-tequila beverage on special will do.
Girls: Vodka soda with lime is the quickest and lowest calorie path to obliteration. I’ll have a double.
12. Finding A Date To A Function
Girls: He has to be generous enough to buy all your drinks, social enough to get along with all of the other guys, patient enough to take 25 pictures of you and your pledge sisters, and most importantly, handsome enough to make your ex-boyfriend jealous.
Guys: Is her waist-to-tit ratio acceptable? Will she blow me with little to no further effort required? Sign her up.
Guys: I’ll give the little buddy a haircut once in awhile, but don’t expect my balls to look like a leather purse when I’m done.
Girls: Shave it! If you don’t shave it, trim it. If you don’t trim it, keep it away from me.
Guys: Any brand, any type, any time.
Girls: A foul-tasting beverage that ugly girls are convinced you’ll “get used to” in time.
Guys: If she doesn’t ask you to use one, use one. Otherwise, you’re probably good.
Girls: Kill the mood or kill your reputation. Decisions, decisions.
Girls: THE LITERAL MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU WILL DO THIS YEAR, PERHAPS THIS LIFETIME.
Guys: A week of bullshit that is only bearable because you know you’ll have pledges when it’s over.
17. Facebook Official
Girls: A necessary construct and the only true indication of his love for you.
Guys: A deathwish, similar to being locked up in a Cold War era Russian death camp.
Guys: An excruciating Adderall binge anywhere from 2-18 hours before the actual exam.
Girls: A 28-hour alternation between caffeine, Xanax, and Adderall spent hovering over color-coded notes between social media binges.
19. Rush Boobs
Girls: Fucking skanks. I hate them.
Guys: Fucking skanks. I love them.
Girls: The most glamorous event of the year, during which a potential romance may blossom over a black out.
Guys: The biggest shitshow of the year, during which you’ll have a blast as long as you have a date who puts out.