Summer is (almost) here and after the masses depart campus, or you head back home, the heat and boredom will sink in like the stench of a four-day-old spit cup. So, to help you cope with the summer, here are a few suggestions of things to do:
1. Brainstorm new shit for the fall pledges to do. It’s never too soon to figure out new ways to irrevocably scar and break the next generation of little creepfucks.
2. Go to local bar full of townies and realize you are already more successful than most people twice your age. Drink accordingly to deal with being surrounded by idiots and fuck-ups.
3. Find new and creative ways to hide your burgeoning alcoholism from your parents. It’s like a game of hide-and-seek, but with booze and shame.
4. Re-connect with girls from your high school. See how many former cheerleaders you can turn into slams before it starts to feel like 6th period Algebra all over again.
5. Drink enough to kill Rasputin several times over. Swear off alcohol for a week. Rinse. Repeat.
6. Spend the 4th of July abroad. Engage in obligatory and obnoxious patriotic displays of American culture until you’re put on the next flight back to freedom. Bonus points for degrading or defacing foreign monuments with such displays of American affection.
7. Invent a new drinking game.
8. Realize your new drinking game is far too dangerous to ever see the light of day after taking three people to the hospital with concussions, lacerations and snake bites.
9. Take some time out on the water with the boat to drink, fish, and enjoy the sun.
10. Get in a high speed boat chase with the Coast Guard.
11. Meet new people in your hometown.
12. Remember why you don’t like people from your hometown in the first place.
13. Hang out with your high school friends. Realize they haven’t also become some kind of alcohol-fueled Mr. Hyde. Proceed to drink to deal with such incompetence.
14. Take a weekend at the beach with some brothers and realize three days later that the pictures at the strip club will one day ruin your run for public office.
15. Road trip down to a major summer music festival, spend the next couple days not remembering what bands you actually saw or being surrounded by hipsters.
16. Start a DIY project and lament the lack of pledges to do the manual labor.
17. Find a summer job that pays enough to cover your weeknight bar tabs.
18. Set up a tequila-and-lemonade stand in the neighborhood to earn enough to cover your weeknight bar tabs.
19. Brush up on local law and noise ordinances in your college town, so you can be the drunk asshole spouting legalese the next time the cops show up to bust your rush party.
20. Mentally prepare yourself for another year of debauchery.