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The 20 Worst Things About Your First Day Back In Class

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1. Gunners. You had almost forgotten about the gunners.


3. Lecture hall chairs still give you Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

4. Your TA still doesn’t care.

5. For someone who absolutely reeks of smug environmentalist hippie, Professor Treelover doesn’t seem to have a problem distributing thousands of soon-to-be trashed pieces of paper instead of PDFs.

6. Khakis? Topsiders? Yup, some formerly muscle-shirt wearing, middle-tier Johnny-come-try-hards have found a new gospel after reading a certain New York Times Best-Selling book this summer. Glad y’all liked it, but tone the pastels down.

7. Nonexistent WiFi makes the pennant chase next-to-impossible to live stream.

8. No hardworking American should be up before 11 AM. To quote the head of the Barzini family in The Godfather: “After all, we are not communists.”

9. If the administration had any courtesy, it wouldn’t start classes until after Rush Week completed.

10. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what.

11. Need coffee.

12. The feeling of refreshed batteries evaporates the minute the phrase “bell curve” is uttered.

13. If Obama wants to really end a grave human rights violation, he’d send in drones to take out whatever jerk decided to allow ONLY eight unexcused absences during the sixteen week semester. What a gas.

14. Someone smells bad.

15. iClickers are still the most useless inventions known to man.

16. Even on the first day of class, the professor still lets the class go five minutes late.

17. The whole “introduce your name, major, and a quick short story” schtick they use in recitations is something kindergartners do in between picking boogers and reading Green Eggs and Ham.

18. Any class that doesn’t involve an exam or review session is a class that can be condensed into one last minute study sesh.

19. It’s impossible to pull off the “everyone rustle your backpacks when there’s five minutes to go” move when no one brings their backpack to the first day of class.

20. Uncomfortable, crowded student seating is a dish best served on Gameday Saturdays.


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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