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So you’re finally starting to pay attention to the election, but you’ve been living under a rock. That’s cool, rent is expensive. Luckily for you, our friends in the electorate have exactly the thing you need to catch up on your two major candidates: the presidential debates.
Notice I said ‘major candidates’. Gary “What Is Aleppo?” Johnson and Jill “Seriously, How Did All These Physician Politicians Ever Get Into Med School?” Stein will not be attending. So sorry.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, you’re probably wondering what to expect from the debates tonight. Here are some things to watch for, potential surprises, and what we generally think is going to happen. Grab a couple beers, a Little Caesars, and a Poli Sci major, and get ready for some great political theater!
Even from underneath your rock, you have a nagging feeling that the game is different this year. We’re looking at a contest between two of the most unlikeable candidates ever to run for our highest office. The big issue this year is that neither one of the parties looks like themselves anymore. I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that Trump isn’t the traditional face of the Republican party, and somehow the Democrats passed over a supremely liberal socialist for a wealthy, politically-connected member of the establishment. Nobody knows who is going to win this year; it’s a complete toss up.
This has also been the most bitter campaign season in recent memory. For the vast majority of voters on both sides, 2016 has become a mission not to support their own candidate, but to completely annihilate the other one. Take a look at some of the broadcast ads about the debate that are airing right now. They’re promoting this thing like it’s a freaking cage match. That last one was actually for Audi, but it sums up the climate pretty well.
No matter which way you slice it, this is potentially going to be brutal. But that just makes watching it more fun.
The debate will air at 9 p.m. ET. Because this is the future, you have a bunch of ways to watch it. Go to a bar that pays for cable and tune into ABC, CBS, CNN, or one of the large networks. Alternatively, you can log into Facebook Live like a geed and stream it that way.
What To Watch For: Donald Trump
Like him or hate him, Trump is one seriously crazy bastard. We’ve never had a presidential candidate who says things like, “I’m going to bomb the shit out of ISIS,” and, “Tell them to go fuck themselves”. Of course, many believe this kind of no-nonsense leadership is exactly what the country needs right now as the world becomes more dangerous.
Trump’s main challenge in the debate is going to be the constant lying on camera he’s become notorious for. It’s expected that Trump will approach the debate with a much more mature and subdued tone, trying to appear presidential, but there’s already been a lot of people in the Trump campaign worried he will crack under the pressure of a “fact-checking” moderator, and could blow the show.
As for policy stuff, expect Trump to use his naturally humongous balls to fight Clinton on issues of national security and homeland defense.
Trump recently tweeted suggesting he was going to invite Gennifer Flowers, one of Bill Clinton’s ex-booty calls, to the debate. A big surprise would be if he took this one step further and brought out a whole line of Bill-dicked bimbos on stage to reveal some of their sweatiest moments with the old horn dog while Hillary and the nation listened. That would make for seriously entertaining television, and would be a Total Trump Move.
What To Watch For: Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton has all the poise and charisma of a dead fish. She’s got a long history of government service and a distinguished, mostly positive record as an elected official. But she’s such a trainwreck as a public figure that she’s kind of like the other kid at the job interview. You know, the one who got perfect SATs and a 4.0 but mumbles and stares at his feet the whole time. Way to blow that entire resume.
Her obsession with privacy is troubling as well, but Trump’s got kind of a weird thing going on with Putin that I’m amazed hasn’t been a bigger issue, so that’s kind of a wash.
Hillary is going to have to prove she can match Trump for fire and passion. She’s expected to approach the debate more aggressively, and really try to attack Trump on his facts and policy. She’s going to have to successfully make the argument that Trump isn’t fit for office, which is unlikely, because she has done nothing but fail at it so far, losing huge ground in the polls.
As for policy stuff, expect the normal Democratic social issues.
Hillary starts dropping F-bombs on stage. I could easily see her totally losing her cool trying break down Trump’s wall of confidence by bashing it with her head and getting nowhere. This sort of an outburst would be the worst thing she could possibly do for her campaign.
Do Debates Matter?
Usually not, but this particular event is expected to be one of the most watched debates in history. The race is very close, and a major screw up here could easily cost Hillary her lead, or put the nail in Trump’s coffin. I think candidate performance here will majorly effect the course of the election. So drink up, and tune in..
Image via YouTube