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I know what you’re thinking. Boosh, it’s mid September. It’s way too early for a Halloween costume column, let alone a “last minute” Halloween costume column. This whole article has a real Buzzfeed-y premise, too. Is this some sort of Search Engine Optimization strategy to log a commonly searched item into the Google database so that come Halloween time, the algorithm brings it to the top of the results page and you can whore clicks like the dirty click-whore you are? First of all, yes. Second of all, I’m impressed with your knowledge of the rapidly evolving social media world.
But this is still an important article to read. Whether it’s because you’ll be drunk for the entire month of October or you’re just downright lazy, you’re going to wait until the last minute to throw together a costume. Now you can do that without looking like a piece of shit Halloween scrooge who “thinks he’s above playing dress-up.” These ideas are simple, yet clever, so you can look like you care without actually trying. Let’s get to it.
Borrow a girl’s sorority t-shirt and boom, you’re done. Plus, when you go downtown, you can go into the girl’s bathroom and the bartenders won’t stop you because they could get slammed with a hate crime. I don’t know why you’d want to go in the girl’s bathroom? It’s a power thing I guess. I like to imagine girls compare boob sizes and stuff in there, which would be pretty dank.
FSU Face Eater
Dress up in ‘Noles gear. Find a buddy. Then paint his face red. Simple as that. This one’s great because it gets a lazy, piece of shit friend off the hook right along with you. Maybe down a few spoonfuls of bath salts before the party to really get into character.
Grab a 49ers jersey and glue a rectangle of tinfoil to your butt (that’s the bench). Immediately sit down whenever a Captain America or someone in patriotic stuff gets close.
Social Justice Warrior
Wear a pair of non-prescription glasses and tape a hula hoop to your waist. When you bump into people with the hula hoop, demand they leave your safe space at once and stop harassing you.
Sperms and Egg
This one’s not for you, it’s for the pledges, but it’s still pretty funny and I’m done with costume columns for at least a year after this so I’ll include it here. Dress one pledge up like an egg. Dress three or four pledges up like sperms. Every time you fire off an airhorn, the sperms must drop whatever they’re doing and sprint after the egg until they tackle him.
Wear your swim trunks and post up by the big-ass community trashcan the whole night.
Let’s imagine you don’t have enough time to go out and buy a gorilla mask/suit. Everyone will know what you mean if you paint your face black and carry a baby doll around..