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2016 Presidential Candidates Reimagined As Candidates For Chapter President

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When I decided to run for my chapter’s highest office, I began to think about the issues that my fraternity has faced and where I stood on them. There were several different factions within my house that had their own opinions on key matters, such as the image we wanted to portray to the rest of the row, the type of philanthropy we wanted to do, and the types of new members we would want joining our house. After likening the political landscape of the United States to that of my fraternity, I thought about how the current presidential candidates would go about running for the office of fraternity president. Shit then proceeded to get weird.

Jeb Bush

You know what you’re going to get with this guy. His older brother ran the house a few years back, and his father had the office back in ’89. He draws a lot of comparisons to his older brother, who in hindsight probably shouldn’t have been able to be president for two years in a row. The guy was really likable and did a lot of great things, but the house was ultimately in worse shape when he left. It’s because of this that his younger brother is getting unfairly overlooked and can’t step out of the shadow of his predecessors. He doesn’t figure to get much of the vote, save for a few of his own pledge brothers.

Policies and Views:

– No marijuana in the house
– More resources devoted to fighting the drug trade on the row
– No Pledge Left Behind: Instead of dropping kids, change hazing tactics until they get better

Ted Cruz

This kid was born in Canada, but somehow has worked his way up to the top of your Texas-based fraternity. He’s been a great pledge marshal for the past year, but part of that has been fueled by the fact that he has more than a few screws loose upstairs. He has been seen on several occasions going on tirades about how the current fraternity president is coming for his guns, and he’s said some questionable things on social media that have gotten him in hot water. His pledge class has a whole mess of possible candidates right now, but he seems more legitimate than most.

Policies and Views:

– Firearms for every live-in of the house
– More funding for defending the house
– Comprehensive plan to destroy rival fraternity

Ben Carson

As scholarship chair last year, he increased your house’s GPA by almost a full point. One of the top students in his pre-med program, you don’t know how your fraternity was able to get such a smart kid to join in the first place. However, that intelligence doesn’t always extend far beyond the realm of academic performance. He’s the guy who creeps women out and annoys people at parties by bringing religion into everything. A few months ago, this guy seemed like an exciting, new candidate to run the house. However, the fact that he’s weird as shit has done a number on him, and a lot of his former backers have quietly moved on to other candidates.

Policies and Views:

– Marijuana in the house, but only for “medical” reasons
– Use drones to monitor activities of other houses
– Flat social fee for every active and pledge
– The earth is only 6,000 years old

Marco Rubio

Your house only gave him a bid so that it could seem more diverse, but he himself has been resistant to encouraging any more diversity. He hails from Florida, and is a perfect representation of all the batshit insanity that state has to offer. Over the past few years, he has changed his stance on key issues multiple times, which has pissed a few people off. He has a pretty clean record as an active, save for that one time he used the house credit card to rack up a bar tab just south of two grand. It was a one hell of a night, though.

Policies and Views:

– Will not bid guys who got rejected from other houses
– Focus less on Greek Council, the university, and more on our own house
– No regulation on fraternity Facebook group, GroupMe

Chris Christie

This guy isn’t considered much of a legit candidate for the office, but goddamnit if he doesn’t have the heart to be the face of your house. During your elections, he’ll present a number of surprisingly viable and well thought-out ideas on how to improve chapter operations, but that will all be overshadowed by his impassioned lobbying for a pledge food-delivery service during party nights.

Policies and Views

– Diversity is great, but not in this house!
– Keep dues low
– Local pizza joint needs to extend hours

Donald Trump

At the beginning of the year, nobody took this guy seriously at all. People would often joke about what a mess the house would be in if he were to find himself in charge, but they are now sweating bullets as the election draws nearer. He comes from a very wealthy family, and last year his father gave him a “small loan,” with which he bought new pickup. He is the kingpin of several different underground trades in the chapter house and was able to secure funding to fly all the brothers and their dates to a formal in the Florida Keys last winter. He has made quite a few enemies in the house and has a lot of outdated views and opinions on how it should be run. He routinely calls out the other candidates as “pussies,” “goddamn liberal scum,” and “fucking morons,” among other insults. Your chapter isn’t sure that he would get along well with other houses, and he has already vowed to tell IFC to chug bleach. Another concern with him is that he’s been a real dick to a lot of sorority girls, and is banned from most of their functions.

Policies and Views

– “The Tri Delts hate me!?” *Takes a pull of Sailor Jerry* “I’ll give those BITCHES a reason to hate me!!”
– Will run the chapter house like his underground Adderall market
– Build a wall to keep geeds out

Hillary Clinton


Bernie Sanders

He’s been a good brother for many years, a consistent guy who is always looking out for the best interests of his chapter. He has proposed quite a few solutions for the chapter’s problems. For one, he wants to substantially increase dues, which he says will ensure a free formal for everyone. For too long, he says, the top one percent of the house gets 90% of the women. With him in charge, there will be free classes for all incoming pledges on how to attract the females. The policy changes that he wants to make in the house are forward-thinking and good ideas in general, but a lot of members question how realistic they are. To some, he is a progressive-minded leader who will take the house in a great direction. To others, he is a liberal fuckboy who will ruin the house.

Policies and Views:

– Raise dues, free liquor and “party favors” for everyone
– No penalties for marijuana in the chapter house
– Current treasurer is a “greedy Jew,” total transparency on financial matters is necessary

Watch how this fraternity president deals with his out of control exec members…

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WJ Cope

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