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It’s been roughly two weeks since Mizzou students have returned to class, and I’ve already been forced to fire off two embarrassing articles about the state of affairs. I hate it, and things need to change so we don’t repeat last year’s abomination. Here’s to making Mizzou great again:
- Legalize cocaine.
- Get a football team that’s better at football than protesting.
- Bring back Maty Mauk.
- Create fake safe spaces. Deport every interested student to a university in northern Canada.
- Don’t blind and kill puppies.
- Offer all administrators free backbone replacement surgeries.
- Buy a real tiger, let it loose on campus so that every class is a nonstop thrill ride.
- Encourage students to STFU and go to class.
Fire Melissa ClickCheck this one off the list.
- Bulldoze it. Start from scratch.
- Recoup lost money by selling building names as ad space. The Trojan Condoms Business School and Julio’s Thongs For Men Library would bring in massive revenue.
- Only admit fraternity men and sorority women.
- Erase all history books.
- Bring back Quinton’s.
- Tell prospective female high school students they’ll get a personal, one-on-one meeting with alums Jon Hamm and/or Brad Pitt if they enroll.
- Replace all gender-neutral bathroom signs with the Nick Young meme.
- Save protests for worthy causes.
- Provide campus fraternities with a peace offering of 100 cases of Natty Light and have the delivery guy say “you know what this is for,” wink, and walk away.
- Offer mental health counseling to fraternity men dealing with the plight of joining a frat in the 21st century.
- Publicly sacrifice a freshman at The Columns.
- Burn down Lawrence, Kansas again to reassert your dominance.
- Stop fucking up.
- Win 10 football games so that everyone forgets about everything else..