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24 Reasons Larry David’s Daughter Should Get With Me

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Cazzie David

Cazzie, I realize you aren’t single, but that’s okay. I actually think it’s amazing you’re dating that one guy from Saturday Night Live, you know, the only cast member without a role in Ghostbusters. But even more so than his fame as the emaciated guy from the Bieber roast, I think it’s a true showing of your character that you’re with him. It takes a deeply compassionate person to be with someone stricken with AIDS. But anyway, if you want a man who’s never swallowed Lorne Michaels, here are 24 reasons I’m the right choice:

  1. An Inconvenient Truth was the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Fuck you, Al Gore.
  2. I’ll never suffer from shrinkage, even right out of the pool.
  3. I don’t have a small penis, but I am the victim of huuuuuge vaginas.
  4. I’m Jewish, but my favorite food is Palestinian fried chicken.
  5. I am not a low talker, nor will I ever wear a puffy shirt in public.
  6. I like to nap under my desk here at Grandex.
  7. I get along great with Wanda Sykes.
  8. If we’re together for 10 years, for our anniversary you can fuck somebody else.
  9. I’ll never jerk off if you don’t want me to. I even won a contest to prove it.
  10. I’m loyal. I’ve had the same 5 wood for years. I just like the way it feeeels.
  11. I harbor a deep seeded distrust for weather and mailmen.
  12. I use a sponge to seal envelopes, never my tongue. That shit is poisonous.
  13. The jerk store called, and they’ve run out of Pete Davidson.
  14. I grew up in a spiritually mixed household. To combat this, instead of a Christmas tree or menorah, we put up a bare metal pole.
  15. I’d never try to commit the switch with you, no matter how hot your roommate is.
  16. I find Michael J. Fox to be an abhorrent twat.
  17. I believe it was the Moops, not the Moors.
  18. I would excel on an IQ test. With limited cheating.
  19. I have a passion for marine biology and architecture.
  20. I once wrote a generally panned obituary for a beloved aunt.
  21. I hire prostitutes to drive in the carpool lane. We could fix this together.
  22. I’ll never invite a registered sex offender to Passover Seder.
  23. I know several African American Muslims that do NOT wear a bow tie.
  24. I’ll never tire the TiVo guy due to race.
  25. Once again, I’d like to reiterate I am not Pete Davidson.

Give me a shot. I’ll take you out to dinner, yada, yada, yada, we’re both exhausted. Only one of us is disappointed, though.

Image via Instagram/ @cazziedavid

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Siblings of Mark Wahlberg

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