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25 Best Columns From TFM In 2014

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25 Best Columns From TFM In 2014

Bringing you the 25 best TFM columns of the year.

25. Why The SEC Is Bullshit

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The SEC is almost like a commune in the way that it mutually weakens itself in order to raise up the whole. (That’s right, SEC fans. I just compared your conference to a hippie, communist retreat.)

24. Let’s Discuss The Blonde In The Wolf of Wall Street


Her real name is Margot Robbie. She’s 23 years old and she’s from Australia. Another interesting fact about her is she’s fine as fuck and has a major league set of perky cutters. And she’s got the sex appeal to match.

23. 20 Reasons Why Ladies Love The Gut, By A Real, Live Lady

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The gut says American beer. The abs say Bacardi and diet. Which date sounds more fun?

22. The 5 Sororities With The Hottest Alumnae


There must be something in the water at the University of Florida’s Zeta chapter that breeds gorgeous, blonde sportscasters.

21. I Fell In Love With This Girl From The University Of Georgia, And So Will You

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It turns out her name is Lane Lindell and she’s a model, like a real model, not that anyone would be surprised by that.

20. The Greatest Email We’ve Ever Received Is From A Job Applicant Who Brutally Insulted Our Entire Staff

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Instead of simply explaining how he’d be a valuable asset to Grandex, he typed 1,300 words of devastating insults for nearly our entire staff.

19. How To Actually Get Butt Stuff, From A Girl’s Perspective

How to Actually Get Butt Stuff From a Female Perspective

Here it is, guys: how to actually get butt stuff.

18. 41 Things I Wish I Had Known As A Freshman

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“I swear I’m on birth control” is the most dangerous phrase in the American lexicon. If she’s a random, wrap it up just in case.

17. 19 Ways To Fuck With Your Ex-Girlfriend’s New Boyfriend

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Give her a good ass slap in front of him and exclaim, “Not as tight as I remember.”

16. Have A Dad Body? Don’t Change A Thing

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Freshman girls like your dad body because they think you’re a mature, grown man who will make their high school boyfriends jealous.

15. The 7-Step Process To Escaping The Friend Zone

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I’m going to help him fix this situation. After he follows my 7-step, foolproof process, one of two things will happen: 1) he’ll leave the friend zone and enter the sex zone, or 2) it will absolutely destroy their friendship. Both options are advantageous for him.

14. The Four Hottest Drinks A Girl Can Order At The Bar

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If she happens to ask you for one of the following drinks, then I can almost guarantee that you’ve found yourself a keeper.

13. When Did Girls Start Wearing These Hybrid Thong Bikini Bottoms?

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They’re clearly not the standard bikini bottom of old–the kind that covers the majority of your ass cheeks and you can comfortably wear around Dad.

12. 8 Under-Appreciated College Campuses You Have To Check Out

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A trip to Fort Worth probably means getting hammered and going to a concert at Billy Bob’s, too. You just can’t go wrong with TCU.

11. Diary Of A Father Whose Daughter Is In PCB For Spring Break

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Chels is going to Panama City Beach, Florida. Sounds like fun. I hope the weather is nice!

10. Why Doggy Style Is The King Of Sex Positions

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This position is a jack of all trades. It can literally be executed anywhere you can fit two people.

9. 53 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About You

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Preston: His family is from the northeast. Has never seen a black person in real life.

8. An Interview With Carter Cruise, Sorority Girl Turned Porn Star


I have yet to come across a dick that I couldn’t take.

7. 13 Reasons Why Jay Cutler Is The Frattest Quarterback In The NFL

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I propose to once and for all settle the debate of who is the frattest quarterback in the NFL. My choice: Jay Cutler from Santa Claus, Indiana.

6. The 25 Hottest Girl Names (And What They Say About Each Girl)

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Kelly: Fun-loving and wild, Kelly has made more than her share of mistakes. Beware of a potential 12-stepper.

5. 38 Reasons Every Guy Should Date A Sorority Girl

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She’ll help you fool your parents into thinking that you’re a functioning member of society.

4. Interview With Playboy Poker Player Dan Bilzerian, Whose Instagram Will Make You Hate Your Pathetic Life

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What he does off the screen and away from the poker table have been making waves as tall as his stack of chips. And he has a beard that just won’t fucking quit.

3. 2014 Wife Mock Draft

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If you can look past her personal opinions on government, she’s going to be a tremendous pick. She’s going to be a generous, giving wife on and off the field, if you get what I mean.

2. Why Guys Should Not Be Required To Go Down On Girls

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No man should have society dictate to him that he is required to shuck oysters in order to be sexually competent.

1. Why Every Girl Should Give Blow Jobs, From A Girl’s Perspective

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He’ll be much more likely to get down on one knee if he knows you’re willing to get down on two.

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