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25 Things I’d Do If I Were In The 1%

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The 1% rules the world, but most of them don’t have any fun at all with their wealth. If I had billions of dollars I wouldn’t just sit around, jerking off to the number of commas in my bank account. I’d foolishly burn it all as tribute to the masses, hoping to distract them from the cruel realities of their own filthy peasantry. Distraction, after all, is the only thing standing between starving hordes and expensive hors d’oeuvres.

If I was the 1%…

1. I’d take off my clothes at the end of the day and just throw them away.

2. I’d build a massive bronze statue of a naked woman in the middle of Dubai.

3. I’d race around town in my Ferrari, pelting homeless people with handfuls of gold coins.

4. I’d build a rocket with a coffin in it, so when I die they can fire my body into the sun.

5. I’d build a private prison colony on Mars and contract it out to the government.

6. I’d have a harem of bikini models follow me around everywhere I went.

7. I’d buy a biotech genetics lab and splice crocodile DNA with birds to make dragons, just to fuck with fundamentalist religions.

8. I’d have an online appointment book where pre-screened women can sign up to suck the D.

9. I’d create the Porn Academy and give scholarships to aspiring young sluts interested in the art of taking dick.

10. I’d build a 24/7 theme park and call it Beer Mecca. I’d have every single beer in the world on tap at all times.

11. I’d build a railgun that fires baseballs so I can shoot out Kim Jung Un’s windows from 200 miles away.

12. I’d buy a private island and create a self-sufficient colony of disease free prostitutes. All tourists that come to whore island would be screened for diseases. No condoms allowed.

13. I’d build a space station for the explicit purpose of producing Zero-G porn. It only needs a single room with a couch nailed to the floor. All money shots would be jettisoned into space for the amusement and disgust of any Earthling with a good telescope.

14. I‘d buy my own personal Congressman.

15. I’d build an obelisk bigger than the Washington Monument, but it would be a massive stone cock. “Ego Sum Deus” would be engraved on the balls in Latin.

16. I’d build a supercomputer like Deep Blue, except instead of playing chess it would play Starcraft, and instead of taking down Kasparov, it would take down the entire nation of South Korea.

17. All of my bodyguards would be rapists, so people would know what’s coming if they fuck with me.

18. I’d buy a drone company and call it Liquor Missile. Users could order handles of liquor on a website and a rocket would immediately launch towards their location. The missile would arrive within minutes and the bottle would deploy from the warhead and safely parachute into your arms.

19. I’d make hover boards. Seriously, Back to the Future II, where the hell is my hover board?

20. I’d buy a private prison and build a maximum-security octagon where death row inmates elect to fight to the death on Pay Per View. Fighters live as long as they can survive and they gain access to whores, booze, and drugs when they win.

21. I’d create a clone lab and grow human liver tissue to cure the world of fatal alcoholism.

22. I’d sit around somewhere dressed as a bum and if anyone gave me change, I’d give them a briefcase full of hundreds.

23. I’d build a casino where anyone can gamble on a coin toss for any amount of money. Those who can’t pay can choose double or nothing by playing Russian roulette, best 5 out of 6.

24. I’d hire mercenary paparazzi to stalk Mark Zuckerberg and take pictures of him while he’s pooping, then upload it all to TurdBook, so everyone can see how shitty he really is.

25. I’d keep Gary Busey as a pet.

They say it’s lonely at the top, but at least you get some quality alone time while you shit on everyone below you. What would you do if you were the 1%?

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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