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25 Things You’ll See This Welcome Week

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Screen shot 2013-08-21 at 11.06.29 AM

1. Fraternity brothers helping freshmen move in.

2. The fathers of freshmen trying to subconsciously transmit death threats to said fraternity brothers.

3. Residential Advisors looking at this scenario go down.

4. Awkward floor versus floor games of touch football taking place in the dorm complex’s center lawn in the name of “team-building.”

5. Fraternity brothers tailgating these freshmen football games as a warmup for next week’s kickoff.

6. Freshmen football games prematurely ending due to an overly-aggressive McDermott from second floor making sure that third floor punk respects his yard.

7. McDermott telling the unconscious wide receiver to rub some dirt on it.

8. Scouts from the tailgating fraternity coming up to McDermott, telling him about a little get-together they’re having later tonight.

9. Backpack-wearing 18-year-olds “hey mistering” outside the local liquor store while trying to seem inconspicuous.

10. Groups of 50+ freshmen sporting lanyards, walking down the streets at 9:30 with about a 4:1 guy-to-girl ratio.

11. 50+ campus maps walking down the streets.

12. Sophomores sitting on the porches telling the wandering 50+ freshmen that Kedzie Street is actually in the other direction.

13. 50+ freshmen passing the sophomore’s porch twenty minutes later after realizing they’ve been tricked.

14. The remaining five girls in the freshmen’s cross-campus caravan ditching the freshmen for the power move-making sophomores.

15. Upperclassmen chanting “Freshmen!” at anyone walking the streets prior to 11:30.

16. Middle-tier fraternities holding massive open parties catered to freshmen to try to get numbers up.

17. Top-tier fraternities holding invite-only closed parties limited to just brothers, sorosties, and 5-star rushees.

18. Lower-tier fraternities not knowing where the fuck they’ll go to have fun.

19. Freshmen curled over in the middle of the street.

20. Underclassmen nervously handing the horseback police their fake IDs while trying to keep their water bottles hidden.

21. Upperclassmen confidently walking in front of the horseback police, 30-racks in hand.

22. Streets littered with hundreds of Natty Light cans and Burnett’s bottles.

23. Thousands of freshmen the next morning all reciting the same “I thought he really had a fish tank” story.

24. Thousands of freshmen wondering what happened.

25. Fraternity men who’ve already started day drinking for the next night.


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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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