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1. Sign up for the earliest classes possible, take a screenshot, and send it to your parents to convince them you’re being productive (before you switch them out for their far more ideal post-noon equivalents).
2. Sign up for an Advance Chinese course you have no business being anywhere near. Halfway through the class, stand up and proclaim “I’m sorry, I thought this was America!” before you storm out humming the National Anthem.
3. Force a recently initiated brother (they’re still basically pledges) to stand in the quad with a sign saying “Ask me about the Longboarding 4306 class!”
4. Syllabus bonfire.
5. Savor the thought of how satisfying hazing the appendixes out of these rushees is going to be in a few short weeks.
6. Mix yourself a morning glass of whiskey. If you actually make it to class this week you’ve earned it.
7. Dedicate a section of the library to handle National Championship game bets during the afternoon.
8. Proudly say “fuck it” and just go to happy hour instead.
9. Go to the (now unbearably packed) student gym, and obnoxiously fake whisper to your friend every time you pass a sorority girl on a treadmill.
10. Attend a participation-heavy class while drunk. Determine if you’re better or worse the class while having your liver crushed by Johnnie Walker’s biceps. Evaluate your future class sobriety level from there.
11. Convince a Bible-thumping campus preacher to teach you how to purify your soiled soul, then change your mind mid conversation and inform him you’re “having way too much fun.”
12. Completely plan your schedule around being free on a daily basis for happy hour.
13. Elect to take a class Pass-Fail, convince yourself you’re still going to work on it, and (optimistically) hope you won’t need to bust your ass for the final after a semester of disregard.
14. If a professor asks you to introduce yourself, try to convince them that you’re a Nigerian exchange student while speaking in a completely unchanged American accent.
15. Pick a few days of the week as designated “Hangover Days.” Don’t schedule any classes before 2pm on them.
16. Analyze the amount of beers that could be purchased for the price of each class’ textbook. Adjust your schedule accordingly.
17. If a professor makes the mistake of signing onto Gmail while the projector is accessed, take a picture of his inbox. You might learn something (turns out my Spanish professor is really into S&M?).
18. Stock up on Adderall now so you won’t have to struggle through the Midterm rush later.
19. When a group of foreign language speaking students pass you on campus, follow them closely and act like you’re listening to their conversation. When they notice you, look them in the eye and say “I know what you commies are up to,” and walk away slowly.
20. Have a competition to see who can steal the most Frisbees from the quad.
21. Always address your professors’ by name, but make sure that you pronounce it incorrectly and differently each time.
22. Design an obstacle course in high traffic areas and laugh as longboarders try and miserably fail to navigate them.
23. Do your best to select only classes without final exams to ensure a shitshow final weeks of the semester.
24. Avoid Double-Block classes like you’d avoid a greased up bottom tier sorority girl at a Golden Corral buffet.
25. Realize that your Tuesday is completely fucked. Whether Saban McAntichrist captures another title of the Golden Domers throw Jesus in at Quarterback to pull of the first pedophila-free miracle for the Catholic Church in centuries, your night is bound to be a pretty drunk one.