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Sometimes, the weight of a moment just becomes too much. One second, you’re caught up in the heat of a thousand exploding suns. The next, you’re apologizing profusely and letting her know “this has never happened before.” It’s an embarrassing experience, but one that can be avoided with a few techniques. Maybe you can give yourself a leg cramp? That couldn’t possibly result in something hazardous happening, right? The tried and true method of course, is to think about something else.
Here are 27 things to keep your mind occupied when you’re on the cusp of an early arrival.
- Try to remember how many times she said “literally” in the past day.
- The image of another dude reaching completion.
- Your great aunt skinny-dipping.
- Big Uncle Jerry flailing his man titties around.
- Baseball, like when your dad would yell at you to stop crying after a strikeout.
- Or would argue a called strike with the ump.
- Things that white girl with dreads said you should feel bad about.
- How many pistachios your pet guinea pig could fit in its mouth when you were eight.
- The resulting guinea pig funeral (R.I.P. Brownie).
- ESPN’s Chris Berman shouting “Woop!” every time you thrust.
- ESPN’s Jon Gruden talking about Spider 2Y Banana while calling you “man” repeatedly.
- Jon Gruden eating a banana
- There’s a bomb in the room that goes off when you get off unless she says “Hm” at least thrice.
- How to be more productive at work.
- The woman with those weird moles in housekeeping at your work.
- Swimming with Great white sharks.
- Donald Trump’s toupee as he calls you a cuck.
- Hillary’s mustache as she lies about foreign policy.
- Gary Johnson’s crazy eyes as he holds up a sign reading “Feel the Johnson.”
- “What if she farted right now?”
- “What if I farted right now?”
- The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross (“How about some happy little trees, hm?”).
- That snake having a staring contest with your b-hole.
- Your brown eye losing that contest.
- That lineup wherein Winstead started crying.
- Pam from Archer.
- Try to remember the girl’s name..
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