House of Cards comes back today, bringing us another glut of episodes and a guarantee that no work will happen next week, as most of us will set aside some quality time to enjoy the best elements of fictional, governmental excess. Sadly though, after about a dozen episodes, Frank and Claire will be ceasing their political machinations until next season.
It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Much like leaders throughout history have taken the words of Machiavelli to better creatively manipulate the masses, you, too, can take the stylings of a political juggernaut and put them to good use running your chapter. So, how do you do it? It’s simple.
- Pledge in the fall. Be president by spring.
- Rig an election by paying off the vote counters and drugging the outgoing executive board.
- Manipulate IFC by getting another chapter’s representative out of serious legal trouble by calling in a favor from the local police chief.
- Drink before noon, but don’t get Don Draper sloppy drunk.
- As vice president, be a Dick Cheney, not a Dan Quayle.
- Enlist the most loyal pledge in each class as your personal Secret Service agent. Have him do all the nefarious shit. Plausible deniability and all that.
- Blackmail the head of the Department of Fraternity and Sorority Life into overlooking all your chapter’s insane and debauched misdeeds. Immediately top all previous insanity with something so debauched that parents reconsider letting their kids go to your school.
- Discredit the head of the local school paper by photoshopping pictures of him boning the head of the journalism department.
- Throw an expensive RSVP-only mixer to raise money for your girlfriend’s chapter’s philanthropy. Guarantee several other social functions in the process via bribes and back (bed)room deals.
- Ensure your biggest external political rival fails out of school by getting him to “accidentally” do acid while “accidentally” stripping naked and running through the center of campus during exam week.
- Have a chapter presentation on sex and tell everyone that “everything in the world is about sex, except sex, which is about power.” End the presentation there.
- Create a conspiracy theory pledge, who has to piece together your ultimate agenda by following the money, booze, and women to determine your ultimate plans or get blackballed.
- Become IFC president in less than eight months, after replacing the outgoing IFC president for embezzling funds to rent a bouncy castle and some high-dollar call girls.
- Whip up enough votes to ensure the risk manager most likely to think “whores and dinosaurs” is an awesome party theme wins his election. He’ll be unable to block your ridiculous proposals due to a startling lack of self-awareness, conscience, and good common sense.
- Enact sweeping chapter constitutional reforms ensuring you can be president for life, damn the pesky rules and regulations about “still being a student.”
- Cover up at least one questionable disappearance using the DC Metro system and/or your strong, silent enforcer with a severe alcohol problem.
- Successfully defuse a chapter foreign policy nightmare by vigorously negotiating with a sorority president over several days.
- Get a building named after you on campus, despite not actually deserving a building named after you at age twenty-one.
- Leverage all your best moves and worst pickup lines to find a girl to be your equally devious partner in crime, then successfully parlay that into an open relationship for political reasons.
- Win at least one major legislative battle by invoking America.
- Win another by invoking the ancient tradition of “don’t be a pussy.”
- Inform a professor that your lack of attendance was a need-to-know basis university crisis, and he doesn’t have the clearance to know.
- Swear to avoid messy entanglements with the press, then bang half of the staff at the student paper.
- Be able to stand on your record of multicultural “relations.”
- Take time to go home over breaks and periodically crush your local opposition.
- Make the best of networking opportunities by earning as many bribes, favors, and personal debts as you can. You’ll never know when you need that guy at the liquor store to run you enough thirty-racks for a party in less than an hour.
- Encourage the chapter to play partisan politics and political hardball. Weakness gets you culled from the herd..
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