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The 3 Most Insufferable No Shave November Beards

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beard no shave november movember

Sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas is a fun little month-long holiday called “No Shave November.” Anyone old enough to grow facial hair lets their beard roam free, neither trimmed nor groomed for the entire eleventh month. Some only grow out the ‘stache, others the whole beard. There’s a good cause behind it, too, as it’s meant to raise awareness and money for men’s health causes.

I have a love-hate relationship with No Shave November. The one time I went all out and tried it, I had mixed results. My friends would see me and say, “Hey, nice beard attempt. I mean, it doesn’t look bad, but if your testosterone was an iPhone battery it’d be at like 78%.” People also treat you differently when you have a beard. When people who hadn’t seen me since my clean-shaven days saw me in all my bearded glory, they treated me like I was some weird mountain man living off the grid in the woods wearing a wardrobe made entirely of camouflage who was afraid the government was going to take his guns and whose best friend and roommate was a Russian circus bear turned trained assassin named Boris.

While I may not have the best No Shave November story, it’s definitely not the worst. I’ve unfortunately seen others struggle with masculinity so much so that they enter the No Shave November hall of infamy. Here are the worst possible No Shave November results, for your bearded pleasure.

The Lumberjack

One of the most common No Shave November staples is also one of the worst. Straight from the face of Grizzly Adams himself, this is the type of beard that would make one of the Duck Dynasty dudes jealous. It’s grown long and lawless, and is basically the facial hair equivalent of the state of West Virginia. Frequently paired with a flannel for a wannabe Paul Bunyan cosplay, this is the type of long, full beard that would have made you the subject of jealousy if you could have grown it in high school but now makes you look like a Sons of Anarchy reject backwoods biker. While at first glance it may seem glorious, this beard is nothing more than a long pubic bush road that screams, “Yeah, I drink Mountain Dew.”

The Homeless Pirate

Remember how Johnny Depp looked in Pirates of the Caribbean? Yeah, imagine that, but a lot less groomed. Yes, you literally look less groomed than a goddamn pirate, who are some of the most unsanitary, syphilis-ridden human beings to have ever walked the face of the Earth. I sympathize with these people, as I’ve struggled with homeless pirate beard before and it’s not like they make face Rogaine to fix it. Not everyone can grow a full beard; that’s a universal truth. The difference between those who continue to sport homeless pirate beards and I, though, is that they don’t live this truth. Pathetic.

Victorian Porn Star

This one comes about when someone does only the mustache for No Shave November. When the mustache gets big, full, and bushy, it begins to look like something a ’70s porn star would sport with pride. After a while, the mustache gets so long it gets curly at the end in what can only be described as some sort of Mr. Monopoly situation. You’re then stuck halfway between an English Victorian mustache and the upper lip of a porn star. It’s a mustache that says, “Yeah, I’ll bang this naughty schoolgirl, but then I’m gonna have tea and crumpets with the Queen afterwards.” Choose a lane and stay in it, Victorian Porn Star ‘stache. Quit waffling.

If you’re raising money for a good cause this November, keep it up. And please, grow responsibly.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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