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Back in my college days, my favorite bar always used to do karaoke nights on Tuesdays and they were the highlight of my week. I lived by karaoke night. Once a week, I would show up, sling back a few shots of cheap tequila, and step up to the mic like I was the rock star my mom wishes my dad was when they met in the ’80s. It was like being at the Grand Ole Opry, the Paris Opera House, and Madison Square Garden, all in one.
But that was then, this is now. Since those days, the genius numbskull owner of said bar decided to do away with karaoke night in favor of a DJ. Look buddy, if I want to hear DJ Never Gets Laid’s shit beats, I could go into a fraternity basement any of the other six days of the week. Now you’re just robbing me of the opportunity to listen to some really bad drunken singing, and I’m pretty sure that’s infringing upon my civil rights. Who knows, maybe the next American Idol was about to come out of this bar. Now we’ll never find out.
While karaoke nights may be gone, the memories live on forever. One thing I learned is that it doesn’t matter how blessed of an event karaoke is; there are a few songs that should never be sung because they don’t deserve that honor. Here they are.
“Bohemian Rhapsody” is definitely a top five song all time. It’s also one that my beautiful voice of the angels sang on the karaoke circuit quite frequently in my undergrad days (often at closing time) so I’m speaking from experience here: “Bohemian Rhapsody” is too good of a song for drunken idiots brought in by dollar Coors Light specials to sing. No matter how hard you try you’ll never be Queen, so don’t ruin this for them.
That, and the song is way too long. Not too long to be listened to, but too long for drunken singing. Singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” is like running a marathon: everyone wants to give it a try, but not everyone has the stamina to make it all the way through. Drunken karaoke singing should be like drunken sex: done in such a whirlwind that even Taz the Tasmanian Devil would be surprised how quickly it flew by. “Bohemian Rhapsody” is so long that people might grow a beard by the time you’re done. Leave this one to the professionals.
I still have no idea what the genuine fuck this song is. For what purpose does this song exist other than to haze pledges?
I have a personal vendetta against “Chacarron Macarron.” One night I was coming back from work and met my friends at a bar that was having karaoke. Since I’m known throughout my friend group for my almost prodigious musical abilities, I was volunteered to sing karaoke. So here I am, wearing a suit, Dos Equis in hand, about to sing a song that wasn’t of my choosing. Hey, you know what they say: If you have a gift, it shouldn’t go to waste, right?
Next thing I know, they call up my name. I’m ready to let me musical gift flow, and what do I hear but this dreaded song starting. I turn around and see my friends laughing, Snapchatting, and recording me as I’m about to sing this musical diarrhea. Even though I was Punk’d, I had an audience watching, and a good entertainer always puts on a show and rides with the punches. I sang all the way through this ghastly symphony of word garbage, but not before I serenaded a senior citizen at the bar and got some choice words from her husband.
Don’t Stop Believin’
This is one of those ones like “Bohemian Rhapsody” where I’m sure you’re thinking, “Why the hell is it on this list?”
Much like “Bohemian Rhapsody,” the success of this song is also its karaoke downfall. “Don’t Stop Believin’” is the anthem for middle-aged, balding, slightly overweight pasty white dudes who order well whiskey at the bar, and that’s exactly the demographic I fit into and want to reach out to. But come on; everybody, literally EVERYBODY — from the cast of Glee to Kim Jong-un (probably) — has sung a cover of this song. Choosing it is an incredibly rookie move. You’re not original and this isn’t 1981, so let’s try something else..
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