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30 Reasons To Hookup With A Freshman

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1. It’s easy.
Wanna come back to my place? Ok, let’s go.

2. She gets herself drunk.

3. She hasn’t gained any weight yet.
We worked out 6 days a week for my State-Champion volleyball team last year.

4. She doesn’t have sorority sisters guarding her innocence.
No, I’m not embarrassed to give you a handy in public, why would you ask?

5. She’ll eventually be in a sorority, and have numerous hot pledge sisters.
OMG I can’t wait to be an ADPI! Or a Tri-Delt…I haven’t decided.

6. She doesn’t know your reputation.
So you’re a senior? Wow, I love older men.

7. You’ll be the best sex she’s ever had.
You lasted like ten minutes! I think I came…I think.

8. Your fat pledge brother plays wingman on her morbidly obese suitemate.
Call me Captain Ahab after tonight.

9. She invites you back to her dorm room…for a threesome.
I’ve always heard college was the time to experiment.

10. Her graduation present was a pair of perky double-D’s.
Do you want to feel them? My daddy sure loves me.

11. Her older brother is in a rival fraternity.
He doesn’t have to know, even though I know you’re going to tell everyone.

12. She’s the least likely to have gonorrhea.
I’ve only been with two guys.

13. Her handjob muscles are especially well tuned at this point in her life.
This is great and all, but can we get to the point?

14. She’ll have no idea where you live, even if you tell her.
Hey so where can I find Royal Jefferson Crossing Apartments? Is that by the library?

15. Repeat sex is easy.
So, I’ll see you tomorrow night?

16. Her dorm has 24-hour open visitation.
Any hour. Any day.

17. She doesn’t understand how desirable she is yet.
I read a column on TFM that made me think that older guys won’t want me. You sure you want to hook up?

18. You don’t have to buy her drinks because she’s afraid of getting arrested.
Nah…it’s okay…I’ll just hang out.

19. She gets “sexually-adventurous drunk” before the pregame even ends.
We don’t have to go out, you haven’t shown me your room yet.

20. Gravity has affected her breasts the least.
Extra perky.

21. She just turned 18.
I’ve got the perfect present!

22. She just got her big sister…and you’ve had sex with everyone else in the family tree.
You pretty much have to at this point, it’s a family tradition.

23. She won’t get the Titanic reference when you ask to draw her naked.
Okay, so this one was a little obscure. I’m just saying…you could.

24. She doesn’t understand how hooking up in college works yet.
Am I supposed to wait two days to call him? Maybe I should ask on my Anon-Southern Belle Twitter?

25. You’ll never have a class with her.
Oh, I wish you were in my Telecommunications 1102 class, it’s SO hard.

26. She isn’t an old bitter senior sorostitute who hates the world (yet).
College is the best! I love college! Asher Roth was SO right.

27. She has a natural inclination to blow fraternity guys.
I met the cutest boy last night! He was in Sigma-something, I think they’re gonna make me their sweetheart. I hope he lavaliers me when I rush!

28. She pays you to move her furniture the next day.
Congratulations, you’ve become an indirect prostitute.

29. Tightness.
Enough said.

30. It’s really fucking easy.
Like shooting fish in a barrel, except the barrel is filled with cement and you’re shooting a rocket propelled grenade.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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