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30 Things Not To Say When Your Party Gets Busted

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It’s an autumn Saturday night after a huge home win and the house parties are are in full swing. It seems like every other house is throwing down and the 5 – 0 have their hands full tonight. Your house decides to play some Russian roulette with the the other houses and hope enough they get busted before you do. But, tonight, your house is taking the bullet and the cops just rolled up.

You know you should be cooperative and polite. Maybe they’ll just tell you to turn the music down and get on their way. But, fuck it. The liter of Admiral Nelson in your right hand is more than half gone and you’re feeling invincible. So, you decide your turn to talk to the cops.

The kids in the side yard start to scatter and hop fences as the men in blue ascend the front steps. Thank God it’s just the campus cops. They’re not gonna do shit. They can’t do shit. You’re gonna have some fun before they zip-tie your belligerent and call your parents. They’re shining a light in your face, they’re in no mood for jokes and it’s time for them to hear you out. Here’s a list of 30 things you can say to the campus police to ensure a trip to the drunk tank. Let’s get arrested.

  1. You’re not the strippers.
  2. I didn’t realize the University’s police force participated in Make-A-Wish, too.
  3. Let me just check the list and…I don’t see you. Maybe Pike’s having something. Try them.
  4. Did you guys find this job on Craigslist or Groupon?
  5. What do you make a year? I’m sure my dad can get you an actual job.
  6. If you guys don’t get out of here, I’m gonna call the real cops.
  7. That badge looks stupid.
  8. I’m going to have to ask you to stop and frisky-ly leave.
  9. Hey, someone grab the pre-law kid. These guys need to know their rights.
  10. Are you renting or leasing that uniform?
  11. We’re throwing a Black Lives Matter party and you might trigger some people.
  12. This is a safe space – no weapons.
  13. Hey, can I get some muscle over here?
  14. That is my ID. My name’s Alexander Hamilton. Plenty more where that came from.
  15. We’re still waiting on the strippers, so could you, like, step down off the porch, please? They don’t like cops.
  16. Sick decals. But my buddy could have done them way cheaper. Want his number?
  17. If you leave now, I’ll let you off with a warning.
  18. *Watch-check* Yeah, the real cops should be here any minute.
  19. Hey, come to think of it, I think you gave me my MIP before the Georgia Tech game last week. You know how much it’s gonna take to get that expunged? More than you make in a month.
  20. Sure, I’ll find someone who’s 21. Would you like a beer while you wait?
  21. Pledge! I need 5 beers to the porch, stat.
  22. Wait, my tuition dollars pay your salary. You work for me. Get me a beer.
  23. The lady cop can come in.
  24. You gotta pay $5, though.
  25. Actually, just give me back that $10 – I mean, my ID.
  26. Don’t you have someone from the Hill to go profile?
  27. Look, that guy was pumping some NWA from a ’64 Impala. Why don’t you go pull him over? He might have drugs and a weapon.
  28. Hey, girl. Wait, come back! I swear they’re leaving.
  29. No, you can’t come inside – HEY. NO MEANS NO, ASSHOLE.
  30. Are you going to arrest me? Excuse me. What are you arresting me for? Whoa whoa whoa, is anyone watching this? Get off me, get off me. Help! Taser? Don’t tase me, bro, don’t tase me!

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Kramer Smash

Unabashed Pitt alum with an affinity for brown girls and Manhattans. Send lovelies to

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