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30 Ways To Be More Alpha On Campus

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  1. Hit “reply all” on a professor’s blast email just to tell him/her you’ll be missing class.
  2. CC the dean when you point out a professor’s mistake in the notes.
  3. Accept the Yeti, skip the formal.
  4. Hedge your formal bets, all within the same sorority. Then bring a rival girl.
  5. Buy the kid with Celiac’s Disease a beer (the hoppier the better).
  6. Go to one of your rival’s rush events just for the food.
  7. Invite the chancellor or head of Greek life to said rival’s party later that night.
  8. Show up to class without pants.
  9. Start the wave in class when the professor starts to bore you.
  10. Interject with random questions during someone else’s presentation.
  11. Go to yoga class, but don’t do any yoga.
  12. Take your pre-workout after you finish working out.
  13. Pregame everything.
  14. Request a hearing for every parking ticket you receive.
  15. Attempt to write said tickets off your taxes as “goodwill” when you’re not granted a hearing.
  16. Shit with the door open, including public bathrooms.
  17. Take summer classes, but never attend.
  18. Treat every reserved, non-handicap parking space as up for grabs.
  19. Treat the handicap parking spaces as tailgating spaces.
  20. Never park your own car.
  21. Arrange a chauffeur from every social function, even if you drove yourself.
  22. Drink your coffee with pre-workout.
  23. Drink your coffee with cocaine.
  24. Drink your coffee black.
  25. Pay your hookup and kick her out.
  26. Then call an escort and charge her for your services.
  27. Meet the president and don’t shake his hand.
  28. Then give the first lady a bro hug.
  29. Take a humanities/fine arts class you don’t need just to set the curve out of reach of the fine arts kids.
  30. Earn a full ride and graduate in seven years.

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    Kramer Smash

    Unabashed Pitt alum with an affinity for brown girls and Manhattans. Send lovelies to

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