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30 Ways To Impress Me At Rush

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1. Show up to rush with boxers that are longer than your khaki shorts. We love power moves.

2. Tell me all about the time you drank “like, 30 beers” in one night. I will be very impressed.

3. If you tell me about the three blowjobs you got in high school, I’ll hand you a bid on the spot.

4. Whenever you shotgun at a rush party, be sure to assert dominance by throwing the can at a brother’s face.

5. In a true brotherhood, we like to share what we have. Hit on older brothers’ girlfriends and you’ll feel extra welcome.

6. We’re not sure if you actually like college so far, so be sure to remind us how you feel about it repeatedly.

7. Every fraternity respects the hell out of a kid wearing a lanyard.

8. If you see us at the gym, feel free to show off your max on half-extension bench press tugs.

9. Sex doesn’t count unless you pee in her butt.

10. Brag that you aren’t afraid of hazing. We’ll respect your bravery and take it easy on you.

11. Everyone parties too hard sometimes. If you black out and puke at every single party, we’ll understand.

12. Make sure you show us the “awesome fake ID” you have (before it gets taken on your first night out).

13. If you can’t grow facial hair, try to anyway. A little frat-fuzz goes a long way in our books.

14. Start calling us “brother” before you get a bid.

15. Ask every single person in the house where the “hazement” is.

16. It doesn’t matter what your father actually does; when you tell us about him, he is a bigshot CEO.

17. Spend an hour or two telling us how good you were at high school sports.

18. Refer to every single female as “slampiece” in our presence.

19. Make sure you’re always the loudest person singing “Wagon Wheel.”

20. Wear two bowties at once for every night of rush. Show us how hard you’re capable of fratting.

21. Every time you introduce yourself to someone, spend a few minutes explaining to them why you’re #TeamBacon or #TeamDorn.

22. The more tiny little embroidered animals you have on your clothing, the cooler we’ll think you are.

23. Convince the girls on your floor to participate in a DareDorm video.

24. It’s okay if you’ve never actually seen Animal House, just pretend like you have.

25. Use the phrases “TFM,” “TFTC,” “YOLO,” and “NF” in everyday conversation as often as possible.

26. Be sure to tell us how “chill” the guys you met in other fraternities are.

27. It’s always helpful to ask random people on campus, “Hey, are you in a frat?”

28. Brag about all the drugs you did in high school.

29. Prove to us that you love America. If you’re not crying tears by the gallon at the end of “Proud to be an American,” then you can get the fuck out.

30. Prove your worth as a pledge and help us clean the house before rush. Seriously though, we could use the help.


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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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