Listen, I’m not one of those lifestyle writers who tries to hold your hand while spewing out the same regurgitated sentiments in list form on how to make the most of life. The day you see my name under a column titled “22 Reasons Why You Should Live Like A Train Traveling Hobo In Your Twenties” is the day I give you permission to toss a brick in the vicinity of my dome. Just launch that shit at my noggin and take me out of my misery.
It should be rather apparent that the little advice I do drop on occasion is either unintentional or actually ill-advised. Everyone here is an adult who’s fully capable of making his own decisions. Live life as you damn well please.
What I can do, however, is give a plethora of knowledge as an older, wiser (I tread lightly using such vocabulary) veteran of the college experience. I’m essentially a former athlete turned sportscaster, and hopefully not in the Ray Lewis sense of the word.
With that said, I’m here to share my input on a topic that is universally one-sided, at least on this website, and that’s the subject matter of having a girlfriend in college. Again, I’m not saying which side is right for you, I’m simply going to share some inside information on what it’s like playing on Team Relationship. ESPN charges for this kind of in-depth analysis, but I’m a man of the people and I throw out unwarranted insight free of charge. Don’t worry, I won’t go back and retroactively Chad Ford this column, either.
Here are four criminally underrated aspects of being in a relationship.
1. You Have A Pack Mule At All Times
She’s a woman, so she’s undoubtedly spent an exuberant amount of coin on some handbag that she lugs around to the point that it has become an extension of her as a person. Instant game-changer, my friends. You ever walk around with empty pockets in a social setting? Not only is it completely liberating, but it gives you the mobility to be capable of virtually anything.
You want to bring down the house on the dance floor? Tackle that challenge without the fear of your cellular device uncontrollably launching out of your pockets during a Hulk Hogan-esque front boot kick, and falling victim to a spiderweb phone screen.
Her purse is also a great stash for any of your illegal narcotics. Easily accessible, yet if it comes to a pat-down situation, plead utter ignorance. She’s 100 percent responsible. She’ll take a ride downtown in the back seat of a police cruiser while you get off scot-free, basking in freedom like Andy Dufresne after crawling through a river of shit. No harm, no foul. Just make sure you have your keys, wallet, and phone beforehand. Something tells me you will not see that trinity of items ever again if they’re still in her bag.
2. She’s A Go-To Excuse If You Don’t Feel Like Doing Something
You’ll get to the point where going out on a Tuesday night is no longer appealing. Sure, nineteen-year-old you was ecstatic about the prospect of twenty-five cent pitchers of Coors Light and dollar Fireball shots, but of age you will go through a craft beer snob phase that grows weary of such a peasant lifestyle.
Insert your girlfriend. Rather than admitting to your boys that you’re becoming a lame asshole who would much rather binge on House of Cards than hit up the uncomfortably adhesive floored, hole-in-a-wall, depraved utopia that is your average college bar, you now have a scapegoat to place all that blame on.
Friend: “Hey Jack, you up for a power hour?”
Me: “Can’t man, have this thing with the lady friend.”
Friend: “You’re a pussy-whipped bitch.”
Me: “I literally have never seen you approach a woman since we pledged. The guys and I were talking, and the prevailing consensus is that you gargle balls…which is totally fine, do you, but let’s stop acting like you’re pulling anything other than the foreskin of another dude.”
Friend: “Uh…fuck you, Jack.”
After an uncomfortable conversation or two with a sexually confused pledge brother, you’ll be in the clear of all future accusations of being a “pussy-whipped bitch.”
3. She’s Good For Your Health
Sure, physical fitness and general motivation to stay in shape might go out the window altogether after settling down, but that’s a blip on your wellbeing radar compared to the health benefits that come with having a woman in your life.
I personally live like a damn savage when left to fend for myself. The combination of dust and dirt building up in my apartment along with the bacteria growing on the dishes in my sink is more diabolical than the love-child of lead-based paints, asbestos, and SARS.
A woman will simply not allow you to live in such an apocalyptic setting. Once your place starts resembling a post-industrial Rust Belt city and hits Cleveland on the scale of Pittsburgh to Detroit, that’s the moment her inner motherly wiring takes over and she’ll go into full decontamination mode.
Let’s not forget the health of your kielbasa, either. So long as you’re handling business cattle-prodding her oyster ditch, you can rest easy on the STD front. No glove, plenty of love, and your biweekly yogurt pistol checkup becomes a thing of the past.
4. She’ll Make You Appreciate The Art Of Jerking Off
No one chokes your chicken better than ol’ reliable Jill. She just has a way of churning butter into gold. Now, you’ll get no argument from me that cleaning your rifle is superior to firing rounds into the cucumber batch. It’s not better or worse, it’s just different.
Though, no matter how orgasmic the HJ, there’s always a guy who has grown tired of fucking his hand. I’m pretty sure that’s an ancient Chinese proverb or something.
Obviously, the numero uno benefit of adding a significant other into the mix is having a constant lay. If you’re in a college relationship and you’re not taking your girlfriend skeet shooting on a daily basis, there’s something seriously wrong with your shotgun. Go to the low T center immediately.
Not only is defiling an attractive girl every day insanely awesome, but trips to the gun range alone become few and far between. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and maybe it’s the nostalgia factor, but regularly polishing pearls makes the occasional shucking of your own corn immensely more enjoyable than it would be otherwise..