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So you’re about to begin on a four-year journey that will undoubtedly be the time of your life, one in which you will become a man and learn about the world. As someone that has been in college for far too long already, I’d say I know a thing or two about maximizing the fun you have during your time in school. I honestly wanted to charge people $19.99 to read these absolute fire tips, but Dorn told me “That’s literally the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard.” So you get them for free.
1. Do Some Recon
Before you ever move into your college, make sure to arrange a tour so you can see if it’s a place you’d want to spend seven and a half-er, four, years. As soon as this tour starts, you need to go rogue and abandon the tour guide. They’re only going to show you what the school wants you to see, and it’s your job to get the real story. Wander around buildings and spy on students from the bushes so you can see what this school is really like, and don’t worry if you creep anyone out. They won’t even remember you by the time you start up in the fall.
After you’ve prowled the grounds and gotten the lay of the land, you need to march into the Dean’s office and demand that your questions be answered. The Dean and his staff may be slightly put off by your unorthodox antics, but it’s just rare for them to see someone so young walk in and make them their bitch. Cause as much of a scene as possible so they know who’s boss.
Following your run-in with the Dean, you need to have yourself a little stakeout. Post up in a corner or closet of one of the buildings and wait for it to close. When everyone is gone and it’s dark out, spring into action and sneak into an office. Your goal is to find the most important files you can and make your escape, as this will allow you to test out your school’s security systems. If you find yourself getting caught in the act and thrown in jail, you’ll know that this school puts your safety first.
2. Move In With Style
Move-in day is the perfect time to show everyone who you are. Everybody around you is brand new, and this is your chance to show that you’re the top dog on campus. So go all-out. You need to get as drunk as possible by mid-afternoon, allowing you to establish yourself as the life of the party before the party even starts. Once you’re hammered, run around the residence halls and mess with people that are trying to move furniture in. They may be kinda pissed that you’re making their lives difficult, but they’ll come around.
Once you’ve assembled a good crew of people that are feeling your party vibes, it’s time to tear shit up. Bring the party out to the hallways and common areas, spilling trashcan punch on the carpets and breaking everything in sight. You’re in college now, and college is for partying. Keep this going well into the night, and don’t worry if classes are early the next morning. The first week of school is useless anyway, so no one should be mad at all the noise you’re causing.
3. Do Not Go To Class
Remember how I literally just said that the first week of class is useless? Fuck that, I meant the first six weeks. In a sixteen-week semester, you can definitely get away with this. All you have to do is really ball out in the final ten weeks of the semester, and you can technically pull a 62.5 average. That’s passing. Your professors will quickly take note of how efficient you are, as well as how valuable your time is.
When it comes to finals, just show up for the tests. You don’t want to be studying all week like a little bitch. Instead, you need to rage your balls off. This will keep you fresh and loose for your finals, and will definitely improve your cognitive function and shit.
4. Start Your Own Frat
The fraternities on your campus have no doubt been keeping an eye on you since the scene you made at the dorms, and they should all be fighting for your attention and throwing you bid cards left and right. But you’re cooler than them, so you should start your own fraternity that’ll be way better. Start by giving it a cool name. Sigma Chi? Pike? Sigma Nu? Snore! Give your frat a killer name like Tiger Blood or Tail-Squad. The other frats will know you’re not fucking around, and lots of their members will probably defect to yours.
Lots of fraternities pride themselves on their business connections and philanthropy, but yours needs to be centered around gettin’ that strange. Any loser can donate to a children’s hospital. It’s 2016, nobody cares about sick children anymore. You need to live in the moment. That’s what those sickly little bastards wish they could do, so you need to live the life that they cannot.
Follow these tips, and you’ll be the king of your school in no time. Seriously though, I’m charging money for this advice. I accept Venmo, cash, money, and DOLLAR BILLS..
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