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Men are men. Boys will be boys. Relationships can be a wonderful, amazing thing, an incredible journey filled with rainbow unicorns twerking in a basket of magic muffins. But, no matter how great your love life with your perfect partner may be, every now and then, you may get a case of the wandering eye. Sometimes, your eye may wander TOO much.
That’s okay. It’s totally natural. It’s not a reflection of yourself, your girlfriend or your relationship. It’s just biology, buddy. There’s nothing wrong with being a little tempted to play the field every now and then. Hell, there’s not even anything wrong with a little harmless flirting from time to time.
BUT, it’s obviously important that you never act on these urges. You don’t wanna fuck up your relationship. True love is rare. An awkward 37 seconds in the back of your crappy car with a blonde bimbo with double Ds and daddy issues is NOT worth losing your significant other over. Don’t give in to the urge. It’s just not worth it.
But I understand that this is easier said than done. The late great standup comic Patrice O’Neal once said “I don’t WANT to fuck other women. I wanna walk around thinking that my girl will be the last girl I ever wanna be with….. but it ain’t real.” Okay, so how do we try to make it at least FEEL real? How do you put those blinders on and feel completely cocky and confident that you’ll never stray and hook up with someone else? Here’s how you can fight the occasional temptations that may plague your disgusting cranium sometimes.
Here are some tips on how to always stay faithful.
Remember how awesome your girl is.
You’re not dating her for nothing! I mean sure, she likes Miley Cyrus too much and she still thinks Cosby didn’t do it, but other than that she’s cool as fuck! You don’t want to leave her, and who knows, maybe she’s the ONE. She has a great sense of humor, she’s comfortable with farting around you, and she even tried anal once (unfortunately, that IS one of the times she farted around you, though). You don’t want to lose her. Whenever you’re tempted to dip your wick in some sick chick, remember your girlfriend. Think about how you don’t want to lose her, because she’s your other half and being single and jerking off too much is exhausting for your arm.
Remember that you can get an STD.
The world is a disgusting place, filled with parasites crawling over every surface fully prepared to murder your insides. This includes the insides of various vaginas. Think about all the sexually transmittable infections that exist in 2016. Herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis, mono, the common cold, butthole cancer, bipolar disorder, ADD, Bieber fever, lactose intolerance, Nickelback fandom, and cat allergies. Do you really want all that? Hell, do you want AIDS? People think AIDS was some ’80s fad that died along with leather pants and hair metal, but fuck no. AIDS still exists. Don’t pull a Freddie Mercury on us, Chaz. We’ll miss you. And don’t think “shut up, Wally, I’d wear a condom.” Well condoms can break! Just like arms, hearts, and political careers. Be careful.
Remember what a betrayed woman is capable of.
To quote Buddha, “bitches be trippin.” You do NOT want to witness the wrath of a wronged woman. We don’t know what may happen. Remember Lorena Bobbit? Her husband cheated on her and she cut his dick off. Tiger Woods’ wife chased Tiger around like a horror movie villain, taking swings at him and (I assume) tried to murder his nerdy ass in cold blood. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and your girlfriend might serve you multiple cold-as-fuck dishes if she catches you balls deep in some random chick on any given Tuesday afternoon. She could cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet, shoot you in the face with a bazooka, or force you to watch a Pauly Shore movie. Don’t take that risk.
Remember that Fred Durst cheated on his girlfriend.
Come on, do you REALLY want to have ANYTHING in common with Fred Durst?! Yeah, I didn’t think so..