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2. Smoking cigarettes.
3. Smoking marijuana cigarettes.
5. Maybe just porn. Rush boobs don’t count.
6. Fornicating with beautiful women. That should be easy for me.
8. Screenshotting Snapchat nudes and sending them to half of my pledge brothers.
9. Wasting my time by signing petitions to get Bieber deported.
10. Binge watching anything on Netflix. No one needs to watch that many episodes of It’s Always Sunny in 12 hours. It’s just not healthy.
11. Any alcohol that comes from a handle that cost less than $12.
13. Passing out in common areas.
14. Drawing dicks on people passed out in common areas.
15. Drawing dicks on people who are still awake.
16. Singing louder than is socially acceptable in bars. (Any bar can be a karaoke bar if you sing loud enough.)
17. Those last two or three shots before leaving the bar. They never make my nights better, they only make my mornings worse.
18. Opening Bacon’s Snapchats. No one wants to see that, dude.
19. Citing TFM in essays for current events.
20. Calling pledges horrible, demeaning things in front of their girlfriends.
21. Calling pledges’ girlfriends horrible, demeaning things in front of their boyfriends.
22. El Rancho or some other heinous late night food for afterbars.
23. Pledge drivers to Taco Bell at 3 in the morning.
24. Mexican food after midnight in general. It’s never a good thing.
25. Gambling on athletic events for which I have absolutely no expertise.
26. Blacking out.
27. I take that back. Blacking out on nights that aren’t Thursday, Friday or Saturday.
28. Climbing on top of shit just to pee off of it.
29. Trolling in the TFM comments.
30. Making fun of Dorn’s mom or Bacon’s sexuality. Seriously, guys, it hurts their feelings.
31. Stealing handles from my own fraternity’s basement parties.
32. Shorts on 45 degree days. It just seems a little overeager.
33. Blaming Obama for shit that he clearly had no control over.
34. Getting “Sharknado was actually pretty good” drunk.
35. Calling strangers “peasants” and treating them accordingly. It’s a nasty habit and it’s sent me to the hospital on one occasion.
36. Student charging shit I don’t need, just because it’s free.
37. Buying bananas in such large quantities from the grocery store. (This is just good advice for everyone, bananas go bad so quickly and I feel like it’s such a waste.)
38. Using emojis and hashtags in text conversations. I’m not proud of what I’ve become.
39. Adding to my Snapchat story 12 drinks deep.
40. Putting off my academic obligations to write TFM articles that no one will read.